February 4, 2020
Dear Mr. President,
As you prepare yourself for tonight’s State of the Union address, there is a pressing issue I feel compelled to bring to your attention. It is something that affects all of us; yet you, with your unique experience and knowledge, are no doubt the only national leader who is truly qualified to fix it.
I am speaking, of course, about the sad state of reality television.
Ever since you moved your throne from “The Celebrity Apprentice” to the White House, American TV has suffered, as has every American. No longer are we treated to weekly unpaid promotional tasks and vicious firings of people whom we once greatly esteemed.
Now, we must instead endure endless dancing and singing, often done in bizarrely off-putting costumes. How does it serve the national interest when our finest celebrities are forced to dress as poodles, parrots, and whatever that creepy thing with the egg on its head was? Were we not better off when those same celebrities wore Trump-branded business attire sold to them at full retail price?
Even worse, there are now shows devoted entirely to people sending social media messages to each other. These messages are completely lacking in the creativity, both in facts and spelling, that your tweets are famous for.
Mr. President, I hesitate to ask you again for help, but the solution is clear: America needs you to return to the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom, the sooner the better. As you will no doubt note tonight, the state of the Union is strong; but the state of our non-Union TV has never been more dire.
Concerned Television Viewer, U.S. Citizen