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The sperm stops here

Now that Ohio, Georgia, Alabama and other Republican-led states are rushing to pass ever-more restrictive laws against abortion, it’s time for Democrats to do what they do best: Impose more taxes. No, Bernie Sanders, not a tax on the money hidden in grandma’s mattress in the Cayman Islands. Democrats should be taxing the source of America’s greatest problems today — sperm.

Consider this: Sperm is what starts every unwanted pregnancy, which — in the absence of abortion — then becomes an unwanted baby who then grows up to be the type of creep who takes out their resentment and anger by outlawing abortion for 12-year-old rape victims. By following the maxim “whatever you tax, you get less of,” a sperm tax would reduce the amount of sperm in America. Less sperm would mean fewer neglected children living in poverty as well as fewer abortions, and (hopefully) fewer celebrity offspring with Instagram accounts.

How would such a tax work in practical terms? After completing puberty, every male would be required to submit a vial of semen along with his tax return. Those who file electronically would be allowed to submit their results from a certified sperm station, similar to smog check stations for cars. A rate of $.0001 per million of sperm would result in a tax of approximately $150-$2,000 for men with normal sperm density. Great news for the wallets of men who shoot blanks.

Those revenues could in turn be used to alleviate the many societal problems rampant sperm release has caused. A lifetime basic income could be offered to the children of child-support-dodging baby daddies. Free healthcare coverage could be given to victims of STDs. Floor-to-ceiling steam cleaning could be covered for AirBnB hosts.

To ensure fairness, the 2020 Emissions Control Act would include reasonable exceptions. Men who have sex exclusively with other men would be exempt, as long as they declare their preferences publicly. Pride parade attendance will count as long as there’s a costume involved. Heterosexual men would be able to reduce their tax burden by getting vasectomies, the cost of which could be tax deductible. The USDA would even throw in a free bag of frozen peas with every operation.

As for lower-income men who can’t afford a vasectomy, they can do as women have done for generations and get their reproductive needs taken care of at a non-profit clinic whose funding is a perpetual political volleyball.

Politically, the sperm tax would have the immediate support of the Urology lobby, Juvenile Detention Workers, and anybody who has accidentally clicked on the subreddit /r/IncelsWhoNeedIncels. Between the projected increase in tax revenues and the decrease in unwanted pregnancies, the sperm tax should be able to achieve sufficient bipartisan support to reach the White House, home of its most passionate supporter: Melania Trump.

Sheryl K. Zohn is an Emmy-nominated writer and TV producer based in Los Angeles, where taxes are almost as high as the average sperm count. Find more work by her on Medium at https://medium.com/@sherylzohn.

Sheryl Zohn is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.” http://www.whosnextdoorpodcast.com

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