The “Hot Economy” Bucket List

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Photo by Gregory Culmer on Unsplash

After a decade of growth, a majority of economists think the U.S. economy is about to deflate faster than one of Tom Brady’s footballs. Don’t be like one of those “flat tires” who missed out on all the fun of the Roaring 1920s only to suffer through the Great Depression like a dope along with the rest of America. Here’s a handy list of fun must-dos before this decade’s hot economy kicks the bucket.

Mine Some Bitcoin

Sure, a bitcoin is worth $10,000 less than its all-time high value, but if you want to brag to your grandchildren one day about how on trend you were in the ’10s, fire up your PC and start getting your blockchain on before Bitcoin goes the way of the Tamagotchi.

Squat In A Luxury Condo

These marble-covered “safe deposit boxes in the sky” have been all the rage with Russian oligarchs and Chinese party members who buy them and never visit them again. Why not bribe a doorman and vacation in one the next time you visit New York or London? If you pick the right week, you’ll have the whole skyscraper to yourself.

Casually Drop the Term FANG

Whether you’re at the office, waiting for the bus, or getting your hair cut, be sure to talk loudly about how much your stock in Facebook, Amazon, Google, and… whatever the N-one is… is worth. It’s the name that counts, so don’t worry whether the price you bought it at was merely absurd or extremely absurd.

Be An Inconsiderate Jackhole In A Coworking Space

With the rise of Coworking Spaces, you no longer have to develop your fancy candy-delivery app from your Mom’s abandoned sewing room. Now, you can play pretend-office amongst polished tables, webbed chairs, and infinite electrical outlets in downtown high rises. Even better, you can microwave your tuna fish sandwich and not worry about complaints — your fellow coworking cospacers don’t know your name, and they can’t ground you like Mom could.

Brag About Your Low Interest Rates

Being in debt up to your receding hairline is usually not a healthy life choice, but when the interest rate you’re paying on that Mount Everest-sized pile of borrowed money is so ridiculously low (thanks, Central Bankers!), you can really impress people — at least, people with poor math skills.

Buy Pants in a Retail Store

Retail stores are going extinct faster than the wooly mammoth, and once the recession hits the last few will be devoured by Amazon — the online equivalent of the saber tooth cat. So before the end of the trying-on-clothes-in-a-dressing-room epoch, be sure to run down to your nearest Sears… uh, Payless Shoes, uh… Gap (they’re still in business, right?)

Get a Sixth “Job”

The unemployment rate is near historic lows, which means there are more than enough jobs for Americans who want them (or more likely, need them, because each job has limited hours and pays rubbish). But think of your many jobs as a change of scenery — adding a sixth one will feel like a vacation from the other five.

Retire Early with $1 Million

Why work when you can quit your job, sell your belongings, invest in the stock market, and then blog about your carefree life from a tiny house in the middle of nowhere? You still have time to be part of the FIRE Movement (Financial Independence, Retire Early). Just don’t be too rude to your ex-boss, you might need that job back once there’s a bear market and FIRE goes the way of the Fyre Festival.

Complain About Millennials and/or Baby Boomers

The two largest generations in America love to complain about each other: “Baby boomers ruined this country with their overpriced McMansions!” “If you want a house, stop eating so much avocado toast!” “When you were my age, college tuition cost less than avocado toast!” After the economy crashes, neither generation will be able to afford McMansions or avocado toast. So Millenials and Baby Boomers, be sure to make those pointed remarks to each other while the tensions are still high. Plus, great news for Gen X’ers: After the bust, you can continue complaining about both generations. Just don’t be surprised when they continue to ignore you.

Sheryl Zohn is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.” http://www.whosnextdoorpodcast.com

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