I don’t have a job, my mother is a narcissist, and our relationship is toxic. Any advice on how I can heal from all of this?
The answers and solutions are already there. They’re just waiting for you to release your resistance to them. You’re focused on not having a job and treatment from your mother. That negative emotion feels really awful and the reason you feel that negative emotion is because you have resistance to what you want instead.
How you are resisting is by focusing your attention on negative thoughts about these 2 subjects. The things about these 2 subjects that make you feel bad, instead of things about any subject that make you feel good.
Also, you are trying to solve a problem instead of realizing that you are not a problem solver. Humans are meant to create problems so that the Universe can solve them. And the Universe will solve them and already has, but you can’t access what you want by focusing on what you don’t want.
The trick is to suspend your worries, fears, and doubts about the subject long enough to allow the solutions to reach you. And then you gotta stay there so you don’t relapse. But it takes practice, just like a sport, so while you’re strengthening this muscle, you’ll need to expect to have many opportunities to exercise it.
The best way to suspend your negative thoughts is through meditation. You don’t have to make it all elaborate or anything, just sit quietly for 20 minutes and focus on your breath. Then, become the observer of your thoughts. And, as you notice each negative thought surface, see yourself giving it to the Universe to solve.
This is the process of letting go. All you are doing is saying “there’s nothing to solve, the solution is already here, and to access it, I must relax about it and it will show up, but if I try to solve it on my own, I will be blocked from my receiving of it so I may as well relax about it.”
If you get good at this, the results will make you very pleased every time you encounter something you don’t like because it means something you love is about to arrive. You will no longer see negative emotion as a bad thing, and you will understand more intimately that it is just there so that we will be inspired to ask for new things that we will love.
It is the expansion of the universe and the purpose of humankind.
So, what is your lack of a job making you ask for? Is it a job, or is it money? Is it money, or is it actually just freedom to have and be and do what you want when you want?
So you have a toxic relationship with your mom? Whenever we have conflict with another, it is because we feel we need something from that person that we’re not getting. But that is a false premise, for you already have everything you need.
And relationships, whether with other humans or inanimate objects, are there to give you contrast — experiences that cause you to ask for things.
We need to stop labeling people with personality disorders and start practicing more self-acceptance. Because you wouldn’t have any issue with your mother if you fully accepted yourself, meaning see fully the beauty and purpose of all parts of yourself. You would see you don’t need her to be any certain way for you to be happy or positively affected by her.
Maybe now you are wondering what the hell is wrong with me telling you that you already have everything when you just said you do not. To which I will refer you back to the practice of meditation so that you can release the idea that you have to be the one to bring it to yourself or do something about it. It’s already there, just waiting for you to stop blocking it with your negative thoughts about getting it.
You can never get something by focusing on not having it. Saying “I want to not be broke” will bring you more being broke, but saying “I want to feel like I can breathe and relax and feel safe and secure and loved” feels more like how you want to feel, and by focusing on the way you feel when you think or talk about any subject will indicate how close you are at getting the thing you want. If you feel bad, you are moving away from it, if you feel good, you are moving toward it. And if a subject feels bad then stop thinking about it. And if you can’t stop thinking about it, then you still think you have to be the one to solve it and you have to convince yourself that you do not. It’s not your job. You didn’t come here for that.
All you really need to do is be aware of your negative thoughts, which you always have an indicator of by the way that you feel, smile and let them go so you can send them on their way to fetch what you would prefer instead.
What does it mean to let them go? Don’t think about them anymore. Don’t talk about them, don’t try to get to the bottom of them. Don’t analyze them, don’t dissect them, don’t try to solve them, and don’t make judgments about them, yourself, or anybody or anything else. Just notice the thoughts and then bring your attention back to your breath.
By being the observer of your thoughts, you stay present. And presence is where it’s at. And if you get good at observing yourself while you engage with life, you will stop living by default and start living deliberately.
How do you know if you’re in the present moment or not? By how you feel. For example, if you feel depressed, you are negatively focused and living in the past. If you feel anxious, you are negatively focused and living in the future. Happiness is not an emotion, but rather a place, or a way of being. Sustainable, pure happiness comes from being in the present moment.
You may think, “oh being present or meditating is so boring” and that’s the point. You don’t need any more distractions from who you really are and you need to give yourself an opportunity to let go of all the negativity you’ve been holding onto all your life. It weighs you down and that makes everything, like money flow and healthy relationships, more difficult to get.
And you know that it’s true because you know how much easier life is when you feel good, like waking up on the right side of the bed and having a lucky day. These moments in our lives are accidents or random — they correlate to how present we are. And the more present you get, the better you will feel. So if you don’t feel good, then you have a lot of getting present to do.