The Grief chronicles

My Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in 2010 .

All I remember is being in Chennai when I got a call informing me of the diagnosis.i had no clue what multiple myeloma was.

I took a really long bus from chennai to Mangalore .That is how the long journey to Mangalore and Dads tryst with cancer began for me.

I intend this to be a series to express the journey of cancer and the battle the patient wages and the family as well as how helathcare and people around can have an impact on the psyche of all of those involved from dynamics of the family to extended family and friends and colleagues they work with .

Let me know if you have lost a loved one to cancer and how you have managed to manage yourself during and after that grief and even now how do you stay mindful.

I don’t know why I did what I did but back than I suddenly felt my Dad needed Unconditional love .

In 2010 on the day I reached , I told my Dad I was not going back to a full time job till he was completely cured ..

I am here for you .

That promise changed me , my personal life and my career and everything I knew .

Now 8 years later in 2018 after having my Dad deciding to move on to the after life if there is one in October 2014 , I tell it like i feel about it now ..

I am like the boy in the poem “ Casablanca” who stood on the burning deck waiting for his father to come back ..

To a certain extent it is me turning cynical …

Losing faith in family and friends and realising that in life there are battles within battles and grief and worry will consume you …

Highlights

  1. Paranoia in a hospital room for life as a patient attendant after you see in the first week , a nurse but checking on the IV pushing saline / meds resulting in his blood being sucked as a backflow after it got empty.This triggered a anxiety driven paranoia taht exits even to this day if I am on a hospital room not trusting the nurse and doctors to do their job .
  2. family leaving me holding the bag where if it’s to be it’s up to me
  3. A well smashed up career like a mish mash brownie sundae whee you took what came your way for sustenance and family support .That’s not necessarily appreciated than or now .
  4. A mis diagnosis for Dad s throat infection during his remission stage resulting in a tuberclosis medication taht stopped his cancer medication.God knows I want to kill the those few doctors who spread the message resulting in Dad having to take the TB medication in 24 hours even before a second opinion could come in .the second opinion stated that it wasn’t Tuberclosis ..
  5. The continuing grief experiences that shackles you as people draw you into questions from the past