for my Shenaya

27. your life is taken by a wave.
the rescue workers found you:
an angel in the snow,
if snow were dirt, and debris.
is that really you, asleep on that withered blue tarp?
you never liked being woken up anyway.

27. i can’t seem to cry.

25. christmas day.
you run down the stairs in you pink and purple pjs,
the big red box beneath the tree your target.
you tear off the wrapping and
your brown eyes twinkle,
your rosy cheeks dimple,
“look thaththi — it’s exactly what i wanted!”

22. it’s almost christmas and
you had made me promise that we’d decorate today.
i come downstairs to find
you hanging
plastic mistletoe on the doggy door.
you see me and start giggling.

22. i can’t help but smile.

16. we play hide and seek.
i look all around until i spot
two tiny pink socks
protruding from the base of the curtain.
i grab a hold of you and release the tickle monster.
you laugh and laugh,
and everything seems perfect,
even when it isn’t.

9. keshini calls.
she asks if she can take you to the beach after christmas.
i want to say no
but you’re still her daughter too.

1. i bring you back to my place and
watch you play with
that raggedy old doll.
i remind myself that keshini and i have failed you.
you are so young and naïve and
you’re all i have
for now.