How am I?

Do you ever just think to yourself, “One day I’ll be able to support myself; I’ll move out and no one can tell me what to do.”

Well, that day came early and unexpected to me.

I’ve always been one of the favorites in my family. I was always expected to do the right thing. This was indeed a curse.

When I was in middle school, there were so many activities I wanted to do. I wanted to perform in the talent shows, sing until my vocal cords wanted to give up. I wanted to be on the soccer team and I wanted to cheerlead. I wanted to go to dances and go to the movies with my friends.

But, I wasn’t allowed.

I wasn’t allowed because showing off God’s gift was not modest. My voice should only be used to worship him.

I wasn’t allowed because kicking a ball and competing was too much money.

I wasn’t allowed because cheerleading would take away time from church.

I wasn’t allowed because God is not there. Because God doesn’t sit in a movie theater and God doesn’t dance.

I would walk away from each answer with my head down and respond, “Okay.”

This continued until I turned eighteen. Mom and dad were excited for me to go to college; they would brag to their friends at the dinner table and tell them all about the nursing degree I’m seeking. “First out of twelve children to go to college and stay in college” they would say.

I was excited too.

Few weeks into college pass and I meet a boy. Very odd guy, super straight forward too. We clicked so well. Eventually, we started dating and then a few months later I moved in with him.

Things started going up and down from there.

My parents do not like this guy and they most definitely did not agree with me moving in with him. You can assume how things started to go.

My family started to judge me and take things away from me. It has been such a hard time for me.

It has been about four months since I last been at home. I miss it like crazy but I don’t see myself going back. I have so many dreams of going back home and they always end in me not wanting to be there.

Right now I’m also looking for a car and a better way to pay for once since I don’t have good credit.

Honestly, I can’t really tell you how I’m doing.
I feel empty sometimes.

I miss the life I had before all of this. But I am also happy with where I am. I can finally make my own decisions and be myself. I have made many friends who are really supportive as well.

So yeah.. that’s how I’m doing.