No matter where you go, there you are.
Right now, at this moment, forget about all your mess, forget about the whole world, just open your arms, lay them aside and lie indolent on your bed.
Let your eyes and ears do their job as usual for a while. Slowly, close your eyes and let the clamor settle.
When the outward noise begins to subside, look towards the inside.
There is a grave silence inside. No one, living or dead, exists in this quiet place except for yourself.
Now, take a deep plunge into the river of thoughts. Do not perturb. Let your thoughts flow incessantly.
I see. Your mother comes first in your mind.
She is sitting idle at the corner of our big house doing nothing, perhaps slouching. How does she spend her entire days, I wonder sometimes. She doesn’t even weave sweaters these days. Why would she? I do not recall, when did I stop wearing my mother’s hand-knit sweaters. I know, for sure, her sweater protected me even from the harshest cold. The luxury sweater I buy from shop, is just for others to see. I still feel like freezing from inside. My euphoric mother is lost somewhere — I can sense that.
My parents are proud of my achievements but, I haven’t made them happy in long time. I didn't get chance to.
How about I leave everything and go back? Can it resolve our misery, however meagerly.
I work hard but my father works harder. I feel so little of myself when I think of my father, his energy, his motivation. How brave man one can be? I do not had to struggle like my father, a valiant, fearless man.
I will find myself a way but I will be happy with my parents. They need me most at this age. They fed me, loved me, nurtured me when I needed most. The word repay would be belittling my parent’s sacrifice. I can never pay them back, I know.
Okay. That seems reasonable to me. why don’t you go back to your home already?
The money I earn, makes me pay my bills. I am an independent young man settled in big city. I have endless opportunities here and I foresee my sparkling future. I think, I am too weak to leave all this behind.
Why did I ever leave my people, my motherland, my home? I feel like falling down in a bottomless pit. I feel trapped in a bleak tunnel which seems endless. How on earth can I be happy leaving my parents?
Pardon me for spying on your thoughts. did I just hear happy?
Yeah, It’s been long time that I haven’t felt happiness. True happiness. That guiltless smile. It’s not true that I do not have friends and a social life. I do. However, my happiness seems to me, is unreal. May be, I smile because they smile or may be I am bound to smile. If I don’t, they won’t ask me to hang out with them from next time. I have developed bad taste for people who call me anti-social. I do not want to be disliked by my friends. However, I enjoy my solitude and can eat alone without feeling awkward.
Yet, I am tired of this masquerade.
Want to know a funny little secret?
I am all ears.
Sometimes, in the middle of loud noise, I occupy a corner, shut my eardrums intently, hearing nothing and look at those dancing people. They look funnier you know, moving and shaking their body for nothing. But, I control not to laugh. They camouflage. Most of the people around me do. I have concluded that, it makes them forget about their worries, however for a short span of time.
That indeed sounded amusing but not enough to make me laugh. do you hide yourselves too?
That is the reason, I feel void and nothingness — I too conceal my true-self. How do I let my kind, little heart spill out for my heart is too innocent. Why do I feel alone while surrounded by all those people? They seem to care enough for me but sometimes, I ponder, what if something happens to me tomorrow and I cease to exist? Will these people cry for me? How long would they remember me? I don’t know. I care for nothing. It doesn’t matter to anyone, I presume. The world around me has become apathetic.
Uh oh! Now, you are just over-thinking. Come on, Cheer up!!
I know about my bad habits too. I do not intend to give you any reasoning though. A cup of tea that I drink every morning, is not required to wake me up but I have grown too comfortable with that one cup and it displeases me. I do certain things that I don’t want to, against my will.
I think I have grown much wiser but I do not like myself this way. I want to go back being dull and ignorant. At least, I would feel enthusiastic.
No, I am not depressed. That, to me, sounds too mainstream.
May be I need to find my passion and my purpose. They said — “Think less and act more.”
I did as the pioneer had said. I have acted more. Now what? I have voided myself from inside to look abundant from outside.
I wish, I could live a life I want or may be it’s not possible to live that life anymore. May be, I do not know for sure, if I want it. May be, I am indecisive and unprepared. Okay, my life is disordered.
I wish, I knew what I wanted in my life.
Knock. knock. Are you still there? mmm….dormant ?
I think, I lost you to slumber.
Have a tight sleep Comrade!
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