Being parent- A matter of choice

A Chef and A Mom
Nov 6 · 4 min read

It was my nephew’s 4th birthday party and we were at my cousin’s place, having a good time and the kids, of course, were enjoying themselves and making quite a bit of a mess. Then there was a close family friend (a couple) who joined us.

They have been married for the last 6 years, seemingly happy and sharing a mutual passion for traveling around the world. They were childless. In fact, they were the only couple in the party who were childless.

After exchanging pleasantries, they joined us for the buffet dinner. After a while, I started the usual round of questioning, "Hey Radhika and Amol...it’s been so many years since you guys are married. At least now you should start planning your family. Don’t you think it’s late already? I mean tell us, if you guys need a good doctor, we can recommend..."

I am sure the couple had faced a similar situation where ever they went. But this time was different. Amol after listening to everyone, looked at Radhika and said, “I know it’s a bit strange, but we have decided not to become parents.”

No one spoke for at least a minute. After the silence...one of our relatives said, “You know about IVF? There are so many couples trying it these days, and some have even conceived. Why not give it a shot?”

Amol clarified, “We don’t have any medical problems. We are fine. In fact we are fine with the way things have gone so far after marriage, and want it to continue the same way. We are not ready to take up the responsibility of a child."

While Amol spoke, both Amol and Radhika looked calm and completely ok with their life. They actually were.

An elderly relative was listening quietly all this while and suddenly spoke... "Well in our good old days, life was the same for all...get married, have children while still young, and spend life taking care and bringing them up well. We derived happiness from it. Nothing was more important than our family. But these days everyone makes their own rules…"

Things were just getting a bit awkward when another of our relatives said, “It’s ok. Let people decide what’s good for them. It’s their life after all." The discussion ended at this, but the topic was still fresh in my mind. So I had to write this.

I remember the first few things my mother-in-law mentioned when she held my son for the first time in the hospital. She looked at both me and my husband and said, ”Now you both got a purpose in life." I did not think about it at that time. But now coming to think about it, is a child really the purpose of one’s life or is a child the reason why we get married in the first place?

I am sure there are many couples like Radhika and Amol who face the questions, advises, and taunts of the society for not having a child or for not being parents. Being parents is indeed a blessing. My life has changed ever since I became a Mom. It was and is still the best feeling ever. But that’s about me.

Maybe there are people (couples), who have mutually and happily decided not to have children in their lives. Are they wrong? Are there specific rules to life just like our older relatives mentioned? Is having children the only purpose or source of joy in life? For many of us, maybe yes. But few are different. They find happiness in what they believe is “true happiness”. They could be career-oriented or love to travel the world. There are things they would want to do mutually, which would not be possible or very difficult with a family. They do not fear or worry about their future, they would want to live in the present. They are indeed different.

Before we question such people or advise them, isn’t it better to self introspect as to why we have children in the first place? What is the motivation behind having a child? Did we have a child, because everyone has children after being married? Did we have children because our parents wanted us to? Or do we still regard our children to be our support system at some point in time, when we grow older?

If the reason is one of the above, then the purpose of having children itself is flawed. In that case, who are we to question or advise someone who do not wish to be parents? Children are the biggest blessings of God. We are lucky to be parents, but for the right reasons.

I believe having children( like it is believed in our culture), does not complete a marriage. It does not complete a woman. Radhika is as much as a woman as me and many of you reading this. People who decide not to have children are not necessarily having medical problems, as it’s commonly believed.

Those having medical issues will always want to sort them out to be able to conceive. They would ask for suggestions and help with their problems.

It’s high time we let couples take their own decision and also respect their decision. It will take a while for the elderly to understand and come to terms with such decisions spanning across generations. Maybe they will never understand. But we, as educated and young parents, need to refrain from making people feel uncomfortable for the decision they make, especially for something as personal as being parents.

Let being parents, be a matter of choice and not a rule.

    A Chef and A Mom

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    passionate about topics relating to kids,family and ofcourse easy cooking!

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