I’m Shirley, this is my story of how I overcame severe depression.
Imagine the headlines in May of 2017: Married mother of 5 found dead in Bronx motel. Leaves behind devastated husband, 3 daughters and 2 sons, ages 17, 15, 9, 6 and 3. Apparent suicide.
What a sad and scary thing to imagine. Why would anyone imagine such a thing?!
Well, the truth is I did… That mother, was me…
Before you start with the automatic judgements and name calling, let me take you on my journey.
Are you brave enough? Then take my hand and walk with me…
I resigned from a job I loved in October of 2015. Why did I leave if I loved it, you ask? Because the stress was killing me. In 2015, I ended up in the hospital twice in less than 9 months. Once with a (recurring) intestinal infection and last with a 105 Fever, leading to a diagnosis of colitis. For a few months after I stopped working, everyone complimented me on my “looks.”
“What’d you do, you’re glowing!” “There’s something different about you, you’re beautiful!” “You look younger.” Every time I replied, “I stopped working,” they answered back, “Good for you! Take a break. You deserve it!” But like I said, this only lasted a few months. I had done extensive planning before making that decision. I made sure that our household of 7 would be able to move forward on only my husband’s income. Which we did and still do to this present day.
I was now caring for my own children! No more spending over $ 1,000. a month for a babysitter to raise my kids! These are my kids, this is my job, I’m their mother, now it’s time I take back my “title and duties”. Well I planned to go back into the workforce after 1 year, but God had other plans. On June 8, 2016, I came home (after a tugging feeling to hurry home pulled me out of a manicure appointment) to find my 69 year old father face down on the ground, in the yard, moaning in pain. He had fallen off the very top of a 6 foot ladder when trying to fix the awning of the house.
Now I have to mention, we live in a multi family home where my Mom, Dad and younger sister live right across the hall from us. And a family cousin (from like a 4th generation) lives in an upstairs apartment. So my Dad ends up with 2 fractured vertebrates in his lower spine. Since I’m the only one home, it is now my responsibility and obligation to care for him (which I was already doing, but now in more detail). I took him to his Dr’s appointments, made his meals, and made sure to check that he wasn’t climbing any ladders!
I love my Dad, I’m closer to him then I am with my Mom, and I cared for him out of love and respect. But the reversal in roles was a very “strong” transition to accept. As much for me as it was for him. His depression got more severe as the months went by, while physically his body continued to heal.
In October of 2016 I landed an excellent job opportunity (through a great friend of mine). Unfortunately the results from my Dad’s Surgeon were not cooperating with my plans. He was not a minor candidate for surgery, he was a severe candidate for surgery. This ultimately led to my letting go of my job offer.
Again my responsibilities and obligations came to the forefront and were something I could not ignore. The Holidays came and went and my depression grew darker and darker.
Fast forward to May of this year.
I had been teaching my 15 year old daughter how I manage our monthly budget. I showed her where all of my passwords were and the websites that coordinated with them. One day she turned to me and said, “Mom, why do I feel like you’re preparing me because you’re leaving.” (That question still hurts to this day. I type it and stop to wipe the tears away. I still can’t believe that was me.) It hadn’t dawned on me, I was in fact preparing her for a life without me. Who was I kidding?
Everyday I lived like a zombie. Wake up, drive hubby to the train, get the kids ready, care for the toddler, care for my Dad, pick up the kids, pick up hubby from the train, cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills, do the shopping, eat, breathe, sleep, repeat. It’s like having no memory of days, weeks even months. Imagine someone physically taking a black permanent marker and going over parts of your memory so all you see is black. There’s no recollection of what happened during those moments. I hear my kids talk about trips and school events that I have no memory of. I ask, “Was I there? What did I say? Where was this? When was this?” I was completely absent from their lives and it’s scary!
What had happened to me? I used to read a 400 page book in 1 day and now it took me 5x’s to go over 1 sentence, and I still couldn’t tell you what I read!!!! Fact, when you find you cannot do or enjoy the things you once loved, it is a red flag of depression. I made no time for myself, not even to allow myself to feel my emotions. But the fact was my family was feeling it. What use was I to them if I was going to walk around numb to them?
My plan was, I would go to a nearby motel and end my life there. I didn’t want to do it in the house because I didn’t want them to have bad memories connected here. I didn’t want to think of the mess either. I would simply lay in the tub, turn the shower on and slit my wrists. I would slowly slip away and in the process stop myself from being a burden to any of them.
I don’t know what it was or who it was…call it Divine intervention. Something smacked me upside the head and it was like I woke up from a bad dream. How could I actually have a plan? I was beyond just “feeling bad”. I actually had a plan! No! How could this be? I’m a social worker! I know what dangers lie when you have an actual list of instructions to harming yourself or others. The only thing missing was the action itself.
What was it that really stopped me? The fact that I stopped to think about how my kids would grow up with the stigma of having a mother who took her own life. I didn’t want them to live their life wondering if they were capable of repeating my mistake. I thank God everyday for that slap upside my head, if not I may not have been here to share my story.
So what did I do after this?
I asked for help! I am a Facebook addict and I had always remembered reading these “real life, spunky” articles of Laura Di Franco. She seemed to tell it like it is. There was no sugarcoating anything. No bullshit. I like that! She reminds me of, me. I hate to sugar coat things. You want an honest answer, I’ll give you one! Just don’t mistake my honesty for meanness. Well, I sent her a private “cry for help” through messenger. I asked her for articles on how to get out of this depression.
Low and behold, less than 24 hours later, she replied! She told me to hang in there. She’d get some resources ready for me. And she sure did! She also “anonymously” dedicated one of her blogs to me. I guess it’s not so anonymous now. (You can read that piece HERE.) As she wrote that she not only felt sad for me, she also felt excited! Excited? What? Yes, Excited!
This was the beginning of my journey! And this may very well be the beginning of your journey as well! There were comments from other women sending me love and good vibes. Women stating my cry for help was as if they were reading from their own journal. Other comments about how brave I was to “say” these things out loud when they couldn’t. Imagine, me..brave! At that moment I realized, I was not alone. (What a relief!)
“The good thing about hitting rock bottom is there’s only 1 way out, and that’s up!” I love that line! Repeated by so many all over the world and in movies! Beyond true. So sure enough it started with that 1 blog (Bloggers, you have no idea how much your writing might mean to someone like me! You could be a true lifesaver! My friend Laura is my lifesaver!). What was I to do?
Start with Self Love! Make time for a walk, go out for coffee, call a friend, meditate, do something that feels good to you! My first choice was my nails! I’ve always loved my nails (even though they’re normally just nubs), the colors!!! Sigh, I’m in heaven just thinking about all the beautiful colors. So I started painting my nails again. Do you know, in September, for my Birthday, I received 3 separate gifts just for my nails! Those around me noticed! It was such a small change, but so impactful it was felt by those around me.
Yes my fellow readers, it’s possible to come out of complete darkness and into the light. It’s not an easy journey, but a doable one. It’ll make you think back (not step back! Don’t confuse it!) and revisit places you just want to pretend never existed. But once you’ve processed it and healed from it, you move up into a higher and more loving Divine you!
In the last 6 months I’ve learned more about my empath and sensitive abilities. I’m enjoying my everyday “busy” life. And although I still face challenges, I wouldn’t change them with anyone, for anything, in the world. I face my challenges with a grin and say, “you’re on!”
All you need to know is that you’re not alone. And if you need help, please ask for help! You see, it doesn’t have to be from someone you know, it could be a complete stranger who is willing to reach out their hand to you.
You want to learn more highlights about my journey and where I am today? Follow me for more… Let’s journey together.
Shirley is a divinely sensitive, clairvoyant, poet and mother of five. Her blogs and chats help challenged Moms break free from their chains of depression. Her empath abilities give you, 1 on 1, individual guidelines on how to reach your highest potential for the life you desire.
