Searching for Purpose for the Rest of My Life
Writing in Medium.Com helps to answer quests, and maybe my struggles might help others
At 90, meandering down Memory Lane, I have amazing accomplishments, but they are all finished, with no future. I am not afraid of dying, but I am still quite healthy. Studying my path there must be a purpose for the rest of my life. What is it? Will past help me?
3 Corporations: 1. Shirley Willett, Inc. “Fashion Design & Manufacturing” (30 years) 2. Reincorporated as Small Business Consultant (12 years) 3. Stylometrics, Inc. (9 years) Some overlapped
3 Books: 1. Let’s Design a Dress, 1980. 2. Do You See What I See? (poetry)1989. 3. Past, Present, Future: A Fashion Memoir of 70 years of Design, Education, Engineering, Manufacturing & Technology, 2018.
3 Engineering Design grants (from NSF): 1. 1988, Apparel/Textile Codification and Image Communication Technology. 2. 1991, A Computational 3-D / 2-D Model for Apparel Pattern Design and Expert System 3. 1992, A 3-D / 4-D Computerized Model for Human-Machine Integration in Apparel Manufacturing Engineering.
They are good to reflect upon occasionally, and I will use some parts, but none have a future. I am healthy for 90 in all my organs, but physically not able to do much in the world, and no family or friends left in my generation for social community. How about desires, especially those that most aged have?
Fame? I had enough to satisfy a whole life in the 1960s.
Money? There’s enough to be comfortable, and I never wanted to go after it.
Travel? I have been to England, Italy, Switzerland for conferences on my engineering grants, and many U.S. states, related to my fashion design & manufacturing. These fulfilled most desires.
Spirituality? In the 1980s I studied all religions and spiritualities, and discovered my Self deep inside — but it’s not a purpose for living. I love doing things for others, but can no longer go out to the world to do them.
Writing? Some say that I have a purpose in writing. Yes, I’ve written three books and many articles on Medium.com, but I no longer feel much to write about.
Teaching? I have always loved teaching more than anything else I have done. But I cannot go out to the world any longer to do so. I have tried online, but it did not work, because I needed to see the students to truly feel their needs. There is still a nagging feeling that I need to teach — and learning is connected to teaching. 10.11.23, Marcus, Medium.Com in a poem, said: Karma attracted — must discern — lessons to be learned — The purpose of life is to learn.”
So, there is the past that has no purpose to continue. What about the present? Three areas come to mind: Body, Mind and Spirit.
Body demands a lot of attention and time, unfortunately, at 90, with doing the right exercises and eating the right food every day, and getting too tired to do much after about 2pm.
Mind, to me, has both physical brain and inner spiritual, and it is very difficult to separate the two. In the past decade I have increasingly been getting short-term memory loss, and it scares me. My brother died from Alzheimer’s, and it started with short-term memory loss. How can I remember what needs to be done before I die? Another serious thing is the inability to think about more than one thing at a time. Yet, I used to multitask easily when younger. When I go to physical therapy, she asks me to coordinate 4 things in my mind: breathing out while pushing my stomach to my back, as I perform an exercise, and keeping my back straight?
Another very important thing regarding the mind is that I was hospitalized mentally after my mother’s death in 1963, and again, twice, in the 70s after a spiritual awakening. I was able to challenge the mental health system in the 1980s, and won by doing some of my accomplishments. But it left me with some concern that people around me said I often sounded confused. And that confusion has appeared again, recently, especially in the afternoons into evening.
Spirit: In the 1980s I researched all religions and spiritualities — and enjoyed them all. But recently there is less community in outer life, and I am lonely for people with commonalty. Reading articles on Medium.Com, that speak on spirituality is mostly boring, as I have learned so much ahead of them, except for very few writers.
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Yesterday I was taken for a drive in the “Blue Hills Reservation”, with all beautiful trees on both sides, some starting to turn their colors. They always talk to me, no matter the season. There seemed to be a message to enjoy the peaceful moment — and I did.
Today, I woke up determined to find some positivity in reading the newspaper, emails, and online stories. It is so difficult because the whole world has gone crazy with wars and hatred everywhere, and most are writing and complaining in negative articles. I cannot read these things! So, I meditated.
Reflecting on some things, I realized I do scan fashions in Vogue and Women’s Wear Daily, online. There is very little I respect now, but occasionally there would be one that sparked me to redesign, or simply a new design idea. Fashion has been the supporting undercurrent all of my life and endeavors. And teaching fashion has been my greatest joy. I reflected more. I cannot teach out in the world, and not online classes. But something Dr. Mehmet Yildiz, said in a recent story, about Newsletters, made me pause. A newsletter is in the present. Maybe I could communicate so much that I know about fashion, especially Pattern Engineering, and tricks doing things affordably and with quality. My audience could be young designers and home sewers. I have some lists of names. And I want to do it free for them — because doing it would give me great joy.
This idea sparked me, and I will try it — whatever happens. Even if it fails, failures teach. My first business in life was a failure, that taught me how to succeed in the next one. I’m going to design a first one, and send to Medium.Com, as well as a potential audience. Just thinking about ideas for it makes me happy.
Thanks for reading.
