Are You Fucking Kidding Me

by Hillary Clinton

Hey America! Remember me?

You know, Crooked Hillary? Lucifer’s BFF? Benghazi with the good hair?

Well, you did it. You got rid of me. You don’t have to look at my pained smile or listen to my nagging voice anymore.

Congrats, everyone!

You put up with sixteen months of me lecturing you about dumb bullshit like, you know, policy ideas, and not being super fucking racist all the time. You watched three times on national TV as I had the nerve to make a man — a rich man — look foolish. Some of you even campaigned for me. Can you imagine? I made you campaign for me, instead of carrying the entire fucking country on my back in kitten heels.

Phew! Must have been really rough for you guys.

And man, if that was bad, think about the bullet you just dodged. You won’t have to put up with four or eight years of constant scandal investigations that turn up absolutely nothing, marathon hearings in front of House committees, attack ads that don’t mention a single policy idea I’ve proposed, and, fuck it, impeachment hearings, because let’s be honest, duh.

You knew that a Hillary Clinton presidency with a united Republican Congress meant nothing but deadlock, deadlock, deadlock. So you did the sensible thing and scrapped the Hillary Clinton presidency.

Well, full steam ahead, America! Godspeed and go fuck yourselves.

Go fuck every last one of you fucking pasty-white testosterone-brained reality-TV-popularity-contest shitheads.

I spent my entire goddamn life fighting for women and children, and it ends today. I’m going to a motherfucking spa.

Before I go, though, mind if I make a few toasts?

First off, I’d like to extend a hearty fuck you to the national news media.

This is for spending more time talking about my emails than all policy issues combined. This is for outsourcing your headline writing to a racist grandpa’s Twitter feed for a year and a half. This is for constantly saying I “am flawed” or “have flaws” …… motherfucker name one!!! My fucking charity that gives HIV meds to poor people? Are you for real with this shit?

And the Monday morning quarterbacks right now? Y’all need to sit the fuck down. You’re gonna criticize my campaign?? Bitch I won the popular vote and I was running against America!

I gave a flawless convention and three flawless debates. You idiots wanted a reality show and I gave you a damn reality show. Maybe we lost because you literally gave the leader of the birther movement a year and a half to come up with a counterargument to “I’m smarter.”

Well, now the president-elect of the United States wants to expand libel law and punish dissent. Sick click-through rates, though, guys!

Next toast goes out to all the young people out there — yeah, you crazy kids! Sup millennials!

I actually want to apologize for not being as hip and trendy as you wanted. That was my bad. Misusing emojis and coming onstage to a Katy Perry song? So embarrassing!

But like, just for future reference, what did you want from me exactly? I mean I was definitely willing to try a lot of things. I’m just not really sure how to “reach out to you about issues that affect you personally” and also not be a “dishonest shill pandering for votes.” Any pointers would be super appreciated next time!!

But seriously, no hard feelings, kids. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna be the generation cleaning up this historic turd for the next half century.

Last toast: undecided voters. Can we have a word?

Ya really couldn’t piece this one together, folks? Too many pros and cons to sort through?

Honey, if you were undecided after the Mexican rapist speech it means one thing: You needed me to be perfect. You needed me to prove my case beyond a reasonable doubt, because the burden of proof is on whoever’s arguing that a woman could be capable of running the country.

None of you gave a fuck about my email server. None of you even knows what a fucking email server is or does. You were just waiting for any excuse — any excuse at all — to be like “yep, that’s why I hate that bitch.”

(Huge s/o to James Comey! Love ya bud!)

Okay, wait, actually, I have to spare some words for our fuhrer-elect. Then I promise I’ll get out of here.

Look. Donald. I can’t even really be mad at you. You’re an empty shell of a human with a heart of gold-spray-painted coal. All you wanted was a bigger podium where you could talk about your penis.

You don’t give two shits about politics/policy/other human beings. You just kept saying random shit until you got applause and retweets, and stuck with whatever worked. You gave the people exactly what they wanted. It just turns out what they wanted was for a white guy who inherited a bunch of land to erase the first black and first female presidents at the same time.

U! S! A!!! U! S! A!!!

Just goes to show: In this country, if you want something, and you work your goddamn ass off for it, you can get really close and then smile stoically while they give it to some rich guy’s son.

The American Dream: Good things happen to useless white dudes.

You know, back in 1965, I ran for class president of my high school and lost to a boy who told me, “you are really stupid if you think a girl can be elected president.” Well, I put in fifty years of tireless, grueling work, and now, at long last, that little boy has been vindicated.

Beautiful! It would bring a tear to my eye if I hadn’t taken a pill in the 90s that made me incapable of crying.

Nov 8, 2016: The day we all put aside our differences, defied the odds, and trumped that bitch.

I’m done. I’m so goddamn done. I should have been done so fucking long ago. But I kept going because I thought — I really, really thought — we could change.

Welp.

Goodbye forever, America. You don’t deserve me.

Now leave me the fuck alone while I walk my dogs in silence for the next twenty years.