Some Steps I’m Taking to Improve the Quality of My Social Life and Relationships
Introduction
Recently, I moved to Seattle from Massachusetts. Unfortunately, this was right after graduating from high school, so upon returning home, I found that I had no friends in the area. This gave me three major tasks:
- Make new friends in the Seattle area
- Maintain old friendships with people that I truly cared about from Massachusetts
- Reflect on who is worth spending time with at Brown and stay in touch with those people as well
Of these three tasks, the first is the most difficult (and a task I plan on dedicating a separate post for). The second task was relatively simple considering that my friends from Massachusetts were few but very close. The third task required a large amount of reflection on who I value spending time with. I plan to focus on the second and third task for this post.
I want to share some methods that I am taking to accomplish goals number 2 and 3 after spending some time thinking about how I use social media to accomplish those goals. My primary social media platforms are Snapchat and Facebook, and I mainly use messenger on Facebook. I still have my Facebook account, but it is largely for looking at memes when I’m supposed to be programming. Anyways, here are the steps with some explanation as to why I’m carrying it out:
- When meeting somebody, invite them out at most 3 times. If during the time period in which you were inviting them out, they did not reciprocate, stop trying to become better friends with them. This is how one-sided friendships start.
Rationale: I’ve had many cases where I become friends with somebody and it ends up that only I invite them anywhere. Then I take some time to see if they’ll invite me on their own accord and nothing happens. This is a one-sided friendship I’d like to avoid. - Uninstall the messenger app on the phone to decrease time spent on phone.
Rationale: I already don’t like texting people that much, and messenger is a large time commitment. By limiting my usage of the service to my computer, I have more time to be productive, and I am also able to set aside a portion of the day where I can have steadier conversations. - Stop checking Facebook since nothing happens on it
Rationale: Most people acknowledge at this point that Facebook is an inferior social media platform (outside of messenger), so I’m going to limit checking it to at most once a day. - Do not spend time talking to people you are unlikely to meet in person if you didn’t know them that well beforehand.
Rationale: If I didn’t follow this rule, I could spend my whole day just talking to people who’ve contacted me through email, discord, or any other platform. If somebody wants to talk to me and I don’t know them that well, I attempt to get them the info they want ASAP and get out. - If you and a friend live close to each other, only message them if you are going to hang out in person within the next two weeks. It doesn’t have to be about the hangout specifically, but don’t waste time messaging people who you don’t spend time with.
Rationale: If somebody doesn’t want to hang out with you, they’re not your friend. However, there were times at Brown where somebody would spend their time messaging me about some useless shit and then decide to spend their time playing video games instead of hanging out. Therefore, I will only message people if they’re really willing to hang out. - If you are far away from a friend, message them first at most 3 times before tacitly understanding that they won’t message you back and that you should move on.
Rationale: There are cases where one person messages the other person first every time. If I’m that person, I’m going to assume the other person doesn’t particularly enjoy talking to me and take a step back. - Relegate an hour or two per day in which you are allowed to talk to people. If you are having a messaging conversation with somebody and the conditions are such that both of you are free, then move it immediately to Skype or end the conversation.
Rationale: This one will be a tough sell for many people, but we all understand that text is a poor way to communicate. Therefore, if the situation is right, why not have a call or a Skype session? The conversations are much better this way. If the other person is unwilling to Skype or call even though they are free, it’s very likely that they’re just filling their time with talking to me (and probably several other people). - If somebody spends a significant time talking about themselves, try talking about yourself. If they don’t take interest in your life, then cease spending time with that person as they don’t value you as much as you value them
Rationale: Everybody loves talking about themselves, but if it ends up that the other person spends almost the entire time talking about their life and has little interest in mine, I’m they’re emotional sponge. Not interested. - If somebody’s actions prey on your insecurities, make it clear that what they are doing is disrespectful. If they do not cease the actions, move on.
Rationale: Some people spend time with others to boost their own ego by making the other person quietly feel bad. Since I’ve developed stronger boundaries, I’m going to make it clear that this is disrespectful. If they continue, I’ll move on. - (Taken from Ishaan Agarwal) Keep your thoughts/what you’re doing on a need to know basis. Only tell people if either they’re concerned with it or if their opinion/background adds value.
Rationale: Doing this will avoid you from uselessly venting to people who may not actually care about your predicament.
I believe that these steps will greatly improve the quality of my relationships. Of course, I can’t be certain, which is why I plan to write an update post about how this goes.
Thanks to Ishaan Agarwal for discussing this list with me and contributing his thoughts.
