How a procrastinator functions in college…
The ‘highs’ and lows of college life bring forth the ‘Procrastinator’ that resides in each one of us. So, before we begin our carnage and denounce ‘Procrastinator’ as the one responsible for our miserable life, let’s look into his mind:
Phase 1: Work is assigned
The professor has enunciated the pious word called ‘Assignment’. While the front row students clutch their pens dearly and write their heart out, you are busy guffawing on a non-veg joke. Or achieving glory in the realms of Temple Run. Or busy checking out the facebook profile of your friend’s ex-girlfriend. (You ain’t that cool :P). You saunter downstairs only to see a heated club meeting going on. You squint your eyes to see if it’s your club. It ain’t. SWAG mode still On. You move to canteen but are bereft of luck as your club meeting is happening there. You swear and paste a smile and greet them. You compliment them. Still, you are assigned work. Such is life.
Phase 2: Ignorance
You are living in complete oblivion. That to-do list has bitten the dust. The morning jog has been sacrificed because:
In summers- it is too hot.
In winters- It is too cold.
In rains- The weather is awesome, why ruin it with your sweat smell?
Any other day- You are beautiful the way you are. Don’t ruin it. That is what your mother and John Mayor told you.
You wake up late and bask in your awesomeness. You miss breakfast because vanity comes before food. Atleast before mess food. You reach class. You mistakenly paid attention for 3 minutes. You decide that it is enough for today and convince your friends for a mass bunk. At 11:30. Life is too precious to study microwave, you decide. You go to hostel and take a nap because the day drained you of all your energies. You wake up and decide that your gastronomical love for Murthal ke Parathe is compelling you to drive. You gang up and hit Murthal.
Epiphany: Parathas and Beer are the true meaning of life. You pass out.
Phase 3 : Submission nearing close
You are once again caught in the myriad of classes and fests and society work and other work which you don’t remember. You survive by keeping that latest song that you just heard looping forever like some goddamn C variable value. You are better than before. More energy. More blood in your body than alcohol.
You decide to approach the front row seat grabbers and try to initiate small talk. You give up as they are neither interested in ‘How I met your mother’ or that non-veg joke. You come straight to the point and ask how the assignment is to be conquered. They feign ignorance and execute the perfectly choreographed sequence where they pretend to be dumber than lab monkeys. You have had enough. You paste a smile and take a leave.
You encounter your society senior. You assure that the work is in full throttle and you’ll ping him in case of ‘doubts’. The senior is satisfied. You tell that non-veg joke. Everything looks promising.
You return to hostel and sit on facebook chat throughout the night trying to convince your douchebag friend to come to visit you. You stalk, argue, stalk more and realize that you are addicted to Quora. You ditch that friend and read neuroscience, anthropology, Gandhi’s assassination, marketing maneuvers and other fancy stuff.
Phase 4: 1 day before Deadline
You wake up. Drown yourself in bodyspray. Kill 36264 insects and induce coughing fits to your roomies. You reach class and see the Tier 2 studious students borrowing assignments from Tier 1 studious students. You denounce this skullduggery and proclaim that you’ll do the assignment yourself.
The society senior and fest senior are texting you asking about work. You are still optimistic and send reassuring replies.
You get back to hostel. You declare that night to be night of abstinence. You are charged up and willing to sacrifice yourself to the cause of assignments, society work, fests and other work you don’t remember. You decide to give yourself a break beforeyou start. You watch episodes you have watched. You listen to that song which has been looping forever. You celebrate your hostel mate’s birthday and engage in wild dance sessions.
You realize that your break stretched long.
Phase 5 : Few hours before deadline
You start. You dust your books and remove cobwebs. You visit the facebook group and mercilessly abuse the scroll button to see the minutes of meeting to see what task was assigned to you.
You know you are fucked.
You go to the dance party.
1. There is no Phase 6 as the deadline was probably extended or the work was executed using ungodly means.
2. This article was written in May but was sent to the editor in mid-june as the author
a) Forgot the name of the article
b) Forgot there was an article
c) Forgot to send the article back after making changes suggested by the editor
pro·cras ti·na tor n
/* A ‘Procrastinator’ is someone who has demolished every to-do list. His presence is acknowledged by every person who ever owned a machine marvel called ‘computer’. Heck, even Nethradals knew about the existence of this unprincipled genius. That is why you see more cave paintings of them dancing rather than accomplishing life-saving tasks like getting food on the table.*/