Another One-way ticket
7 years ago, I came with those 2 red suitcase and a violin to the U.K..
Now I have 3 more boxes of stuff and 2 guitars to ship to China. I packed my winter clothes in the boxes, along with some shoes and random stuff; everything is gone, I am not coming back in the foreseeable future. What else are in those boxes? They are filled with my tears, happiness, sorrow, regrets, pride, and loneliness; bad feelings were amplified in my early years studying abroad, its like a tap with a malfunctioning value, draining recklessly at night.
I’ve spent 6 of those 7 years studying, finishing university with a degree and made some life-time friendships, which I am really proud of.
It’s now 1 year after graduation. I’ve managed to quit my job, broke up with my girlfriend, and having no clue what I am gonna do when I go back to my home country. There is no doubt that, I am at the trough of my life.
It’s hard to describe the feeling, of leaving home. But I hated it. I guess home is where I am mentally attached to, and England has become my second home after all these years. I love walking in the park on weekends, spotting squirrels and feeding them; having dinner in China town on Friday evenings and watch a movie after; cooking at home; sneaking into my uni library; drinking with friends; travelling to Europe…
Having lived at 7 different places over the past 7 years, my favorite was the last one; I found this small apartment just above hyde park 1 year ago for me and my girlfriend(ex) to live in, it’s a bit small for 2 people, but I tried my best to use my own money to sustain my life in London, without significantly reducing the quality of life. I love the scene outside my window, those lively big green leaves in the summer.
I’ve started running recently. It’s a shame that I did not embrace the nature enough while I was in uni; no magic can rewind me back in time, I can only grab the future.
The past 7 years is priceless, I have stepped on so many different places, the food, different culture, and experience have filled up my heart with true happiness. My mind was clear sometimes along the way, and sometimes lost, it went back and forth.
I used to want more and more, not simply desire more and more; but want more than others have. Discussing how social media and the culture I grew up with shaped this kind of values is beyond the scope of my casual writing; but it took me a long time to realise how stupid this mentality is. I could never even outrun some of people in my contacts list, but I can outrun myself, to become a better me everyday, every month, every year; I am in my own timezone. In the end, life is only as difficult as I make it.
I used to complain a lot, but that does not lead to a happier or productive results, not in work, or relationship. I blamed a lot about work to my ex girlfriend and my parents, since it was really difficult not to do so, where everybody at my work just took things granted without showing a tiny little bit of appreciation, it was very tentative to give everyone a middle finger and leave, which is what I have done.
Not everyone shares the same value as myself.
Finally, love; we have been together for one and a half years. We’ve been through difficulties and happiness. Staying in London is not easy as 90% of Chinese students who tried each year failed to do so. We managed in the end. I tried to be a grown man to take care of the rent, make travel plans and take her to see different places, buy gifts with a decent proportion of my income, cook food even though I hated cooking. I appreciate those time and happiness she gave me. Maybe I have read too many Wu xia novels, which makes me having some idealism dream for my relationship, putting blindness and faith in the pot and expecting the same from the other one.
When problem arises, just because it will; keeping the same level of blindness for love and faith on the other is so important, to the extent that the balance tilts if one side loses too much of it.
I will still commit my blindness and faith next time. But I need a rest. I can only wish her all the best, and wish myself all the best. If there is anyone to blame, I blame no one but myself.
Just like 2 years ago, August 2015. On a weekend afternoon, I went into Hyde park and have a beer, nothing has changed, not even my running shoes. I was alone this time too.
The new journey begins soon.