Tribes: should I stay or should I go?

(Indecision is bugging me)

Hello!

My old tribe told me to be polite and introduce myself first. My name is Silvia and I am the ONLY life coach who will send you to drink wine instead of meditating.

How are you?

What’s your name?

Now we know each other (that was quick!) let me tell you a quick story about how I started to know what this tribe thing was about.

The first time I was consciously faced with tribe dynamics, I was sitting in my kitchen, surrounded by some friends. I was 16 and had 2 groups of friends (major sin in any teenager universe!!!) However, I liked them equally as both groups added to my life in different ways. I could go out and have fun with one, fulfilling my more frivolous side, and I could have deep conversations with the other, stimulating my brain.

A cold and rainy evening, one of the groups came to my house. There, in that kitchen, sitting around the table, they told me: You have to choose. Either be with them or be with us.

You can’t sit on 2 chairs with one ass.

What!!!!

Not in a million years it would have crossed my mind I ever had to choose between anyone. Imagine that this happened 20 years ago and the “you can’t sit on 2 chairs with one ass” shocked me so much that I can still remember it.

The people I had considered my friends until 2 seconds ago were asking me to make a choice that:

  1. I didn’t want to make and,

2. I didn’t think I had to make

I felt violated in my freedom, told them goodbye and stayed with the group that didn’t make me choose.

Since that day, and during 20 years, I have encountered several tribes and always been fascinated by their dynamics. Needless to say, I was not good enough for most of them.

When I started working as a flight attendant, I was rejected more times than I care to mention. Either I was too fat, my English was not good, my hair was too curly or I didn’t have this or that. The point is that I was never good enough for that tribe.

I wasn’t any luckier when I started coaching and moved to Bali. My “couch enlightenment” philosophy (https://www.shizencoaching.com/single-post/2017/04/16/Have-you-ever-heard-about-Couch-Enlightenment-or-the-art-of-mindfulness-delivery) didn’t work over there. I was constantly surrounded by people who told me I had to do yoga, meditate, eat raw food… because that was the ONLY way in which I could be a good life coach. I knew that wasn’t true at all but still, I felt completely out of space and out of alignment with myself. And then…

Crisis mode ON

Or, (as you will see after this series) blessing mode ON.

However, before we get there, let’s explore a little bit how it feels on the spot.

You don’t feel accepted by the tribe.

You feel like an isolated island in the middle of the stormy ocean.

You start wondering what’s wrong with you (!!!)

and, ask yourself why this tribe, that always worked for you, is not doing it anymore.

When I say tribe, I mean: your family, your group of friends, your work, your marriage, and even your soccer team. Any group in which you used to “fit in” but don’t anymore.

You feel totally disconnected from the people you have always known as being the closest to you. You speak Chinese, they speak French. And the questions start to creep in:

Should I stay or should I go?

What is beyond the tribe?

Who am I beyond the tribe?

or simply,

Who am I?

And then.

Then there’s fear.

You are sitting on your couch watching TV with an absent mind. You are reflecting on these questions and the anxiety starts to creep in through your stomach. Your neck muscles start getting sore due to stress. You start to wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack.

Should I stay or should I go?

Every time you ask yourself this question, the fear seems to grow bigger inside you.

You know that it’s going to be now or never but, still there’s fear.

Know this:

The highest peak of fear happens before you take the quantum leap. If you ever heard a performer talking, they all say that the moment, just before going into stage, is the moment when they feel more nervous. It’s the same for all of us.

And still…

Should I stay or should I go?

If you go past fear, this is the moment when you decide that enough is enough and it’s about time you change something in your life and find out who you truly are. You are in search mode. You still don’t know what you are searching but you are at least moving toward something different.

You have reached the sweet spot.

Many people, when faced with this situation, and after moving to the next spot, which is normally the totally opposite one, become fanatics of the next tribe, absolutely denying everything they stood for before and embracing their new faith as if that was the end of the world.

This is NOT what I want for you.

I want that you take the very best of your old life and put it towards building your new life and stay in your isolated island for a while, hang in there.

Eventually, you’re going to get to an archipelago where there are some other cool kids hanging out. You are going to meet a different tribe, one that respects your individuality, the person you are.

In this archipelago, you can come along for a glass of wine when you feel like and if not, it’s perfectly ok to be on your own. The choice is yours.

As a start, before leaving this tribe behind completely, I would like you to reflect on some questions:

1. What (about your previous life) would you really like to take with you on this new journey?

2. Which are the lessons you learnt that can be useful on your new life?

Pack your best tools and get ready for the journey ahead!

You can visit me on www.shizencoaching.com

and, I’m also somewhere out there on facebook and instagram

Lots of love and 
strength,

Silvia