Why ‘Wow, you’ve lost so much weight!’ is not a compliment!
Well, firstly, because your ‘wow’ makes me wonder if I really was ever that fat! Secondly, because you’re feeding a deeper societal mindset — ‘the shape of your body is the first thing that will be noticed about you, so you better maintain it according to the set standard’.
The first one, I can let go of — that’s my gross ego getting hurt. But the second one, the second one is not just about me. It’s about all the people in the world who suffer in various ways because of body image issues — body image issues created by the capitalist world, and cozily nurtured & nourished by the society (including ALL well meaning family & friends)
I lost about 7.5 kgs on my 21-days-long fast — the fast wasn’t about losing weight. I’m (almost) 5 ft. 4 in., & before the fast I weighed 59.5 kgs. So there wasn’t really any need to lose weight. I fasted to create space & time for my body to heal itself — that’s what a long fast does (weight loss is a by-product). (To read more about my fasting experience please read My Experiments With My Body’s Truths.)
While my intention wasn’t to lose weight, this was the first time (in maybe almost 2 decades!) that I was at a 52 on the scale. Before the fast I was scared I’ll lose too much weight & then ‘look thin’ — and I’ve never wanted to ‘look thin’! I also thought (believed, actually) 55 would be a good weight to maintain. But now that I was at 52, out of seemingly no where I began fantasizing 50. And then I started entertaining 49, 48 — which, by the way, dieticians will tell you, is unhealthy for my height. Post the fast, I began obsessing with what I was eating, how much, how many calories, yada, yada, yada!
Luckily for me, I’ve been in the space of inner work & growth for the last decade, & so it didn’t take me long to see something wasn’t right here. This obsession with weight was clearly unhealthy, & made me realize it was time to revisit the past!
I remember being obsessed with my waist size in 9th standard — would have my skirt as tight at the waist as possible! My waist then was about 25 inches, I used to tighten it to 24 — that was the size to have — 36–24–36! I began dieting (un-strategically eating less) sometime then too — and my Hb had fallen to 10.5 for the first time (and the only time, so far) in life! I distinctly remember having fainted on my bed twice — never told anyone — I guess I worried they would force me to eat!
I was in 9th standard. I was 14. Fourteen! A 14 year old should not have to think about this! Actually, scratch that, no one should have to think about this.
Over the next decade & a half that followed there would be times I would go on a binge — and when on a binge, no matter how much I ate of whatever was available, I could still eat more. It wasn’t that I loved the taste of what I was eating — in fact, even after I’d reach a point where I’d start feeling stuffed (not ‘full’, but stuffed) I wouldn’t be able to stop my hand going with the food to my mouth. The binge would usually end up with me inducing vomit, & feeling a ton load of shame and disappointment — disappointment with myself at such poor impulse control. I would never indulge in such a binge in front of others — I was ashamed of it.
There have been phases over the last 10 odd years when these binges would become a regular feature, from once a week or two to 2–3 times a week. I also realize, at various points in the last decade or so, I’ve indulged in excessive exercise — most recent was a three-month period in 2018–19 when I joined an HIT-like (HIT — High Intensity Training) workout class, & at times I’d do two one-hour sessions in a day (those who don’t know HIT — well, 2 hours a day, 6 days a week is quite excessive!)
By now some of you may have related to some of the issues I’ve shared above, some of you may already know what this could hint at, and some of you may still be wondering what on Earth I’m talking about! Bulimia nervosa. To quote from the website link shared here: “Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder, commonly referred to simply as bulimia. It’s a serious condition that can be life-threatening. It’s generally characterized by binge eating followed by purging…People with bulimia often have an unrealistic body image. They are obsessed with their weight and are intensely self-critical. Many people with bulimia are of normal weight or even overweight. This can make bulimia hard to notice and diagnose. Research indicates that roughly 1.5 percent of women and .5 percent of men will experience bulimia at some point during their life. It is most common in women, and especially common during the teenage and early adult years. Up to 20 percent of college-age women report symptoms of bulimia.”
Of course, I can’t diagnose my past self with it — I don’t remember if in any of the phases in my past it ever lasted for the duration that DSM — 5 (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — 5) requires it to last to be called a disorder. But there was definitely some issue. ‘Some issue’ that I was unaware of back then, & so was ashamed & embarrassed of.
Post the fast when I started experiencing this anxiety & obsession with weight, I was lucky to have caught onto something being off — not everyone is as fortunate. So many people — especially women — continue being disappointed, disgusted with themselves as they believe they are pathetic since they can’t control themselves. I had never before shared with anyone how ashamed I was of my binge eating. I had not even acknowledged to myself that it was an uncontrollable urge — that I probably needed help! I never realized it could be a ‘real’ issue. I always believed something was wrong with me for having such uncontrollable urges for food — must be my deadly sin of gluttony — and so must remain a skeleton in my closet for how can I share this with anyone?!
Anyone out there who relates to any of this, I want you to know: a. You are not alone. b. This is not you. It’s a part of you that’s struggling, & this has become your coping mechanism. c. This part of you deserves help.
So how’s bulimia, or any other eating disorder, related to the topic of this story? Well, while there can be various genetic, epigenetic, biological, environmental, etc., causes for eating disorders, there are also psychological & social factors that play a huge role in encouraging it.
When I looked back at the past I also realized that while I had an outward “I don’t care” attitude, I did care about what people said about me. I was a plump kid — neither too fat, nor what you’d call slim — and man, do we get the brunt or what! People always find it safe to tease the plump one with the label ‘moti’ (fat girl) (or so it seemed to me, I’m sure obese people may have their own battles). At home too I grew up listening to how I must reduce weight. Now, I don’t remember every detail, but all of this must have been on since before 9th standard for me to have formed the kind of beliefs I had formed by then. What I do remember is — some friends &/ family constantly commenting on my weight, & then casually adding (if they felt I was hurt) — hum toh mazaak kar rahe hain (we are joking) or aapke bhale ke liye hai (it’s for your good). Well — dear friend, uncle, aunty, parent — I paid the price for your jokes & concern.
And you know what the funny thing is? Now that I’m slim, I’m too slim for the same people! “My God, you’ve lost so much weight, you’ll soon disappear!” Yeah, right. 52 kgs with my height ‘officially' puts me in the slim/ thin category, & now I’m able to feel the pain of those people — they have it as bad — people are always telling them how thin they are, & how they must eat more!
Why?! Why are we so obsessed with this outer image?! My grandmother was in the hospital a few weeks back & needed blood. I was specifically asked by a family member to not go to donate as I’m ‘weak’. Well, just for your information dear family member, I have an Hb of 12.6, and I run 5 kms in 30 minutes.
I mean, I’m no saint — I’m as guilty as everyone else I’ve been talking about here. I’ve made comments on weight almost every time I’ve met someone in a long time — mostly the nice comments (sometimes the ‘harmless’ humour), similar to the topic of this story. What we don’t realize is that when we compliment someone for having lost weight, especially someone who struggles with weight/ food issues, we are also reinforcing their belief that they must maintain a certain weight. When a compliment can feed this cycle, imagine what a comment must do to someone already struggling.
I understand a lot of these comments/ compliments, especially the ones from friends &/ family, don’t carry any malicious intent. But I hope reading this piece gives you a different perspective to hold, to try and see what your seemingly harmless words could do to someone.
And if you are truly concerned for a friend/ family who’s overweight/ obese, be concerned about their health, & not them looking fat or thin. Share with them your concern about how extra weight can create various health complications. And then help them in the process, instead of bullying them &/ chastising them.
If you are a parent, please — please — please, watch what you say to your child & how you say it — your child is emotionally dependent on you.
If you are a friend, please find a kinder way to entertain yourself? One that doesn’t harm anyone.
If you are a concerned family member/ citizen, please be concerned in a wiser way? In a way that your concern helps and not harms.
If you are someone who has gone through this or any other weight/ body image issues, or are going through it now, please reach out to someone (if you’re comfortable to do so, you’re more than welcome to reach out to me — shobhali.thapa@gmail.com)
If you are someone who was also teased &/ ridiculed for your weight when growing up, but never had any such issues as mentioned in this piece — I hope you understand not everyone is made of the same mettle.
This is not a one person problem. This is a societal issue. It’s all those things that we have normalized. All those things we don’t give a second thought to. All those things that seem to have become a part of our culture — “Wanted a tall, slim, fair girl for a (doesn’t matter how he looks) boy.”
While it’s a societal issue, it’ll need one person at a time to shift it. One person who will pause & think what their words could mean to someone. One person who will not be okay with a joke at someone else’s expense. One person who will notice someone who’s struggling and check-in with them.
My hope is we all do our best to be that one person.
