about actually getting sober this time
back in april i went through a breakup and fell into a manic depressive episode (that was unrelated to the breakup) and, to my surprise, did not use alcohol to cope with any of these things, like i tended to do in the past. then i went to a recovery program for bipolar disorder and went to the addiction groups, and when i left i stopped hanging out with people who drank frequently. and then i wanted to drink even less often. i’m not sure which is more responsible: what i learned in the addiction groups or not being surrounded by people who drank frequently. but despite this change, i still drank sometimes. usually only a glass of wine or whatever. i thought it was fine, i had it under control. i was proud of my ability to “drink in moderation” for once.
but then i started having some manic, depressive, and ptsd symptoms (a fun combination!) and as i have in the past, i turned to the bottle to cope. because it’s not enough for me to say “i’m just going to drink every now and then.” i can’t ever view alcohol as something that could possibly be a benign presence in my life. it never has been and it never will be. i’ve used alcohol to cope with mental illness since i began experiencing bipolar symptoms at age 16. i started drinking just a couple months before my first bipolar episode. my abuse of alcohol is absolutely related to my mental illness, and it makes my mental illness worse, and i need to end this vicious cycle before it destroys me.
is it going to be easy? no. am i going to miss bonding with people over drinks, walking to the store to buy a bottle of wine, and the feelings i get from drinking? absolutely. but i know it’s what i need to do.
i poured out two bottles of wine that were in my house. i could have given them to someone else, but it felt like a “symbolic gesture” or something. i felt nothing as i watched something i’ve loved for years go down the drain. i have a problem and from here on out, my relationship with alcohol is over.
