12 For 12: Times I Was Aggressively Canadian On Remote Year

Fun Fact: These men have never met.

Remotely Interesting: 12 For 12 is a series of a dozen articles covering everything I learned during my time in Remote Year. This article is mostly for people who expect me to say “eh” and “aboot” in everyday speech. My country needs fresher stereotypes in a big way.

Travelling the world does weird things to your sense of identity. So many of the ways I define myself — my interests, my cultural references, my passions, my sense of humour — didn’t translate on an international scale.

(Guess who cares about Hamilton? Literally no one outside of my Facebook feed!)

The one label that I found myself repeatedly relying on was my nationality. More than race, more than my interests, more than my sense of humour, I used the fact that I was Canadian as a shorthand to defining myself in new situations.

I never considered myself openly patriotic, but I quickly became the Fun Canada Facts guy of my group, educating my friends about Tim Horton’s and the First Past The Post electoral system whenever I had the chance.

Here are a dozen times I willfully turned myself into a hardcore canuck stereotype around the world.

1. Describing Remote Year as “just like Breaker High”

SPOILER: It’s really not a great show. It’s also weirdly focused on the love life of a teenaged southern belle?

Being a Canadian around (primarily) Americans is to recognize all of their pop culture references, and have all of yours greeted with polite bewilderment.

Before I left on Remote Year, friends back home always understood the concept when they compared it to Breaker High, a short-lived Canadian teen dramedy that lives on in the hearts and minds of ’90s kids thanks to a huge amount of reruns. It also gave the world Ryan Gosling.

After the first dozen times explaining to people why the concept of a high school on a cruise ship wasn’t that stupid, I gave up. I guess you just had to be there.

2. The Metric System

One look at my high school report cards should disqualify me from ever taking a strong stance on mathematical systems.

Yet somehow I became Captain Metric this year, boldly defending the merits of universal numerical consistency based on powers of 10. Yes, I am a hit a parties.

3. “But you’re Canadian; aren’t you used to the cold?”

Every time I complained about the cold or wore a hoodie on a sunny day, people looked at me like I had just renounced my citizenship. Not every Canadian spends their winters walking around in shorts while planning their next polar bear dip.

A distressing amount of them totally do that, but not all of them.

I survive winters back home by treating it like I’m going to war. Giant coats, multiple pairs of gloves, long underwear, the whole deal. I already overpacked for Remote Year, and I didn’t want to exacerbate the issue by bringing my Winter Armour to South America.

Canadians who survive the winter do so through the power of preparation and layering, not because we’re immune to frostbite.

Pictured: How Americans view Canadians.

4. Tim Horton’s

It’s like Dunkin’ Donuts, but better. It’s also our state-sanctioned religion!

And woe be upon those who insulted the integrity of Timmies around me. I learned that I’m weirdly passionate about Timbits, and anyone who would call them “donut holes” instead.

5. Health care

I mean, don’t even get me started.

6. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

I’m sorry, did you mean Kraft Dinner?

Internationally, a box of this is more precious than gold. And about as healthy.

7. Multiculturalism, as a concept

In short: Yes, Canada has racism.

No, it doesn’t look like American racism.

Yes, Toronto is the most diverse city in the world.

No, I don’t know what’s up with Quebec either. But I’ve got some theories.

8. Whenever any Drake song played, ever

No comment.

9. Also any Justin Bieber song

See above.

10. When I learned a new language

The first, and sometimes only, phrases I learned in a new country were “Sorry” and “Thank you.” I have been described as “intensely polite.” I accept this.

I can apologize in at least a dozen languages now.

11. Justin Trudeau

Having a Disney Prince running your country must look especially appealing to Americans who just elected a Disney Villain to run theirs, but no politician is perfect, and Prime Minister Trudeau is no exception.

Hearts were broken when I gave mini-seminars on the realities of his time in office, as I once again became That Guy when it came to dispelling myths of Canada as a perfect paradise to escape to.

12. Escaping To Canada

Come on, y’all. We’re not your consolation prize, or your timeshare in Turks and Caicos. Fix your shit.

Save the refugee talk for, you know, actual refugees.