The Building Years

yourapronstrings.com

~Here’s what I know.

That when my husband was at his busiest with work, when it took him away from us two weeks a month, and the time that he was home, he was sick from traveling on airplanes, tired from time changes and distracted. That during that time when I went to bed alone, ballet recitals alone, school concerts alone. I ached.

I ached to share those things with him. Creating the precious memories of when our girls were sweet little things, so proud to be performing in their tiny pink tutus. I also resented him. The time he spent away from us. That when he was with us he often didn’t “fit,” because he spent so much time away. He no longer easily blended into our day to day life. I would punish him for it. Intentionally making him feel like an outsider.

~Here’s what I learned.

That the building years are hard. That while I was at home training up our girls, my husband was cultivating his professional life. So he could provide for us. So we could have the family life, the home life, we always imagined. So I could be a full time Mom.

Home.

Everyday,

with our precious girls.

That the man I was attracted to, fell in love with, was ambitious. Driven. That he wanted a wonderful family life and was committed to helping create it. That he was serious about what he wanted from life and was willing to work hard, very hard, to get it. That those years, that he spent so much time away, were hard on him too. That he adores both me and our girls and always missed being there to kiss us good night and attend the girls’ special events.

~Here’s what time brought.

The knowledge that the building years are necessary. That every family goes through them. That not all families survive them. That choosing to create a home where the mom is there, full time, nurturing the children, keeping the house, creating a sanctuary for her family to come home to, comes at a cost. To everyone.

That the responsibility of providing,

the burden he carries,

is heavy.

The knowledge that he alone is responsible for the financial well being of his wife and children is sometimes all consuming.

That when he was young, and the burden new, he was still learning how to bear it. And that his emotional fatigue was sometimes just part of it.

That creating a valuable home life takes work. I know my end of it. The kids, the house, the errands. I do my best at it. There are times when it’s all consuming and completely exhausting. This is no different for him. That there will be times when providing for me, and our children, will be arduous. That it will take all his time and emotional energy.

~Here’s what I’d tell you.

That just because you’re in a season of building, a season of busyness, does not mean your marriage is suffering. You might be. You might not be getting all your emotional needs met. You might be giving all you have to your children, while not being refilled by your husband. But chances are he’s not being refilled by you just now either. That when you’re home trying to be both Mommy and Daddy, he’s out making sure you can.

Remember he’s still learning how to do this. How to balance being both husband, father and provider. That although he may not make you feel loved right now, that he is loving you. And your children. Through his actions. Through his hard work. By providing.

There will be times when you just have to hold on tight to each other and to the knowledge that what you’re both working towards is valuable. That just because you’re not “connecting” with one another doesn’t mean your not growing closer. Because what you’re creating together is a life. A family. A harvest you’ll reap in later years. A strong connection in knowing you both contributed your all and came out on the other side with children and a marriage that were worth working for. And the knowledge that it didn’t just happen. It took intention, sacrifice and hard work. On both your parts.

Treat each other tenderly. Acknowledge that you’re tired. Tell him you miss him, sometimes even when he’s sitting right there. The building years can be hard on both of you. Don’t punish each other for it. This is life. The building of a family.