About those Feelings
“I guess all the time I feel like I am kind of trapped. Because I can’t describe how I’m feeling. So to ask somebody else how they’re feeling, that just seems, uh… I don’t know, Insane?” This quote comes from the series ‘The Bear’ when Jeremy Allen White’s character ‘Carmen’ is talking to his sister about how he is feeling when confronted by her about not keeping in touch.
Me: Hi, how are you?
Them: Hello, I am doing well, how about you?
Me: **awkward silence** I don’t know
Them: What Happened
ME: ** more awkward silence** I don’t know
If you also have a hard time describing how you are feeling then you will surely know what it feels like. The Restlessness, The Uncomfortable Feeling, The heaviness, The air stuck in your neck, I am too aware of that. It’s like this unknown person has taken hold of your body and is refusing to let go, trying to kill you slowly and softly. The worst feeling in all of this is not being able to say how you feel to other people. As I can’t describe what I feel myself, I search for reasons to not tell anyone how I feel, this vicious cycle of just feeling like shit.
So what’s the point in even asking them how they feel, it’s like an insane thing like what will I say when they inevitably ask back about how I feel? What do I say then, do I say I am doing fine or lie to them. Even if I say I am not doing well, what do I say when they ask a simple question like why? Or what happened?. Insane right what to even say or do without making them awkward or feel bad.
The best scenario that could unfold is depicted by Ockeroid in his YouTube video.
But this is even more scary for me, I don’t know if just the act of opening up to people showing the worst part of me doesn’t sound too good. So I don’t, Maybe for the worse but I don’t.
I think of death a lot. About dying a lot, I asked myself a question: would I want to see myself dead if nothing changed, no one is sad or angry. Poof I just stop existing, the sands of time keep on flowing and the waves are still crashing and birds still migrate, wouldn’t that be nice. But do I really want that, I don’t know maybe. Some days I am like “aargh wish I was dead” then other days things seem manageable, like the day will be fine.
But one thing is always clear, I can’t take the option that will hurt people. It’s a line that I can’t cross even in my imagination. But am I doing a favor by not hurting them through not existing, I don’t know. I realize that things do find a way out one way or another, through not wanting to hurt them when I don’t exist I find myself trying hard not to build a connection. I isolate myself and that in turn hurts them and leads me to that vicious cycle.
But I do want to love them. They are special people, would I be the bestest friends if I was healthy, hell ya! But am I mentally sane? It’s the push and pull between wanting to build a connection like a normal human being and just isolate and keep people away from my hurt. I think its also scary cause they might see the real weak little piece of shit I am. I am not a mysterious person with interesting hobbys and talent, I am just a normal person doing normal things. It’s so abundantly clear that I am a scam most of the time trying to show the people what they want to see. So what is real, what is death, will aman die if they change like that question where a boat’s parts are changed one by one until there is no part that was there in the original one.
Death is not scary to me, it’s like that painting where death is just a gardener taking care of some plants, helping the world cleanse and grow anew. As a person, I am like a gardener when Einstein was making leaps and bounds on science. Was the gardener here, yeah, will the history be kind to him most probably no, cause only the best will be remembered and that is fine isn’t it. There is nothing wrong with not being in the history books.
As bad as I feel or think, do I really want to change. The law of inertia suggests that “ An object in motion tends to be in motion.” What I have been doing to cope has now become a habit and trying to change is so slow. Things don’t seem to improve and all my progress is thrown down the drain in a single conversation, a single incident. Anything can throw me off, you’d think I am over some benign stuff that hurt me 5–6 years ago, and a random act just throws you off. You feel like that same vulnerable boy again trying to survive.
Something I have done to get rid of the cycle is change the type of music I listen to. At one point all that I listen to becomes sad songs. That song that helped through a hard time becomes the song that keeps you a prisoner of that feeling. So I clear all the songs I listen to and delete all the downloaded songs. All the “How to disappear completely” wiped from the mind. But sadness seeps back into the songs, I find a “Stranger” or a “Smile (from JOKER) or a “Crying (Roy Orbison)” and it becomes a chain of deletion and discovery, all the loose ends finally tied into a chain.
Even this act of writing things out is not new, the notes in my phone, the mails scheduled years later so they are not hurt, it’s something I have done. Will this time be different? I DON’T KNOW. And maybe that’s fine.
“You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you.” — Todd Chavez (BoJack Horseman)
I am not blaming anyone for how I feel, I used to tho. Oh it was all the constant things that just kept on happening. This thing that I hadn’t even thought that I wanted, I got it and now its gone and that fucked me up or Oh all the things are just triggering me, those are the things I used to say. Then it changed to “ Oh shut up, you deserve to not be happy because of all the sadness you caused” or “Just handle the shit you are dealt, why are you complaining”. I don’t know when but the anger turned inwards and I don’t know how to get it out.
Yeah I have a hard time accepting good things can happen to me. I never had self esteem and now I don’t have any motivation either. It feels like I am the black hole that sucks all the happiness around me and makes the environment unbearably dark.
As the essay comes to an end, I would have loved to share good news, a little light of hope that things will get better. But it would be dishonest of me to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when I don’t see one, this tunnel is in construction. I guess I could say that I gained a power of self perception, and I keep on noticing things that I don’t want to notice. But I notice the good in you. Hey, how are you doing? I am here for you, friend.
Let’s end this rant of a essay with something that is far better at giving hope than me, Superman
“No matter how much someone has hurt you or betrayed you or how much it seems that someone is evil, at their core, everyone is worth saving.”
Clark Kent, Smallville, Season 9 episode 21: “Salvation”
“You’re Much Stronger Than You Think You Are.”
All-Star Superman (Vol. 1) #10, by writer Grant Morrison, penciler Frank Quitely, inker/colorist Jamie Grant, and letterer Travis Lanham
“You Will Be Different, Sometimes You’ll Feel Like An Outcast, But You’ll Never Be Alone.”
Superman Returns (2006)