dealing with critical parents

I was not brought up in a supportive, loving environment that one typically envisions. Don’t get me wrong, my father is great in many ways, but he really sucked at mirroring my emotions as a child, being supportive and encouraging and just really seeing my potential rather than diminishing it.

Last year, when I was in the midst of a interview with my dad, I think it was one of the first times that I truly felt that my father was proud of me. I never feel that. Probably because it’s something he’s not very good at, not explicitly shown. He commented on my maturity and responsibility, how I’ve always caused him not that much worry. I just broke down.

I remember most days walking home, not entering a welcoming environment but rather some harsh remark on a small item. It’s something I’ve learned to live with and expect, but inevitably, has probably caused some damage to myself. I am unable to take compliments graciously and internalize them, because deep down, I do not believe them at all. Deep down, I am incapable of self-love because I’ve never truly experienced it explicitly from my own parents.

Today was another oneof those moments. I had a really rough weekend and Monday, where I only got three hours of sleep. I was exhausted, headed to school, worked and came home. I promised my dad that I would take my brother to Karate class and on multiple occasions, I put it on my planner and schedule. I was very aware of it. But I think I was so exhausted to the point where I was dozing off while driving home so I went home to nap.

I didn’t get to take him to Karate. I overslept my own alarm. Then my dad comes home and goes ballistic. Apparently, my brother also had a boys scout meeting that he missed. The responsibility all fell on me. He yelled and he yelled and he yelled. I cried and cried and cried.

To my defense, I acknowledge that I should have taken better care of self. But to be completely honest, my brother really should have taken more initiative. He should have woken me up; he should have thought about it better.

I don’t know. I just feel like a wreck. And maybe my phone will get suspended.

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