rusty

shuge luo
shuge luo
Sep 7, 2018 · 3 min read

It’s the end of week three.


I walked into the school year enrolled in 17 units.

  • cs61a — the intro sequence to CS/a prerequisite (4u)
  • r1b — satisfying part b of writing req (4u)
  • e26 — learning technical software/stepping out comfort zone (2u)
  • ls25 — big ideas course about arts/design, satisfies breadth (3u)

These were my main classes. Additionally, I enrolled in

  • ls1 — introduction to the liberal arts college. (2u)

After a week, I was accepted into a web design deCal (student run classes)

  • cs198– web design (2u)

For reference, 1 unit represents 3 hours of work/week. Full time status requires 13 units, average load is 15 units.


I ended up dropping r1b because it was at an odd time and the students didn’t seem too into it. A classmate makes a comment

“The R in R1B stands for requirement, not rheotoric”.

Wanting to replace my English class I enrolled in History128AC (did not realize it was an upper div)(4u) and Poly Sci 179(1u).

This ramped up my schedule up to 18 units. And I was behind on 128 — starting in the middle of week 3.


What

am

I

trying to

prove?


At that point, I was at a deja vu moment. For senior year, I planned for 5 AP courses. While as desperately as I convinced myself that I genuinely loved studying ALL of these classes and that if I tried HARD ENOUGH, I would be able to tackle it.

Wrong. Completely wrong.

from wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yerkes%E2%80%93Dodson_law

I crossed my own capacity.


As I advised people who were taking more than 16 units as a first year, I myself was being a total hypocrite.

My units were made out of several small classes rather than a few big classes. This adds up to more time because of transitory times (commute time to class, shifting my mind while working, having physically more lecture time).


So many people my junior year told me it was a bad idea. And they were right.

Their statements weren’t a disapproval or disbelief in my abilities. But simply a reminder that my capacity is limited.

I only have 24 hours in a day. And there are so many more things I want to do beyond studying.


I consulted my schedule with a senior. I wanted to hear someone else tell me, “Shuge, you are taking on too much”. It was only after that, that I had the okay to adjust my schedule. I dropped the upper div History course, and now I am at 14 units.


My schedule is a lot looser now. I’m breathing.

However I am still behind.

First week, my heart wasn’t there.

Second week, I spent a lot of time socializing.

This week, I really started thinking about school. However because of the previous slack, I end up doing everything last minute. It’s back to senior year, where I’m reading during meals, exhausted constantly.

Doing work later is more tiring and more work.


I’m always realizing the same lessons — don’t procrastinate, don’t sleep too late, don’t eat poorly. And I’m not changing. It’s just like what we’re discussing about in Arts class. Climate change has been reported since the 1950s, yet why are there no change?


I keep reminding myself — “I am not stupid”. I don’t want that to be imprinted into my mind.

Why do I feel stupid?

These feelings come from my need to compare myself to others.

Remember, you are on your own path.

Feelings of stupidity becomes shame.

I need to swallow my ego and ask for help.

I need to let go with shame.

Shame has held me back too long.


A friend says,

“You’re just rusty. You haven’t been in school for a while.”

shuge luo

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shuge luo

everyday i'm in awe of the world

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