True Life: I am a Mope (UPDATED)

SHU Overboard
Sep 8, 2018 · 3 min read
mfw i had classes in corrigan hall, amirite folks

February 2, 2017 is the day I was murdered online.

It all started when the official Seton Hall Basketball twitter accounted sent out a “resume” outlaying why the Pirates should return to the NCAA Tournament. This tweet stinks. Not a fan of their social media presence in general, but in the sake of brevity we’re only looking at this today.

grafic design is my pasion

See here’s the thing, the Pirates needed to win 2/3 to finish the season with DePaul, Georgetown and going into Hinkle to face a ranked Butler. At the time, this was no easy road. Real Pirate Heads remember DePaul eliminating Seton Hall from March consideration on a terrible no good bad day. In a season after the surprise Big East Championship and Isaiah Whitehead leaving in the Draft, this team was expected to take more of a step backwards than they did.

Also, the resume stunk. If I was a hiring manager, I’d throw this crap right in the trash. Trash ass basic binch Calibri font, four different font sizes, uneven spacing between the team logos and just a low effort exercise in cornball.

Well, I got big mad online.

Not just me, but the I Like Our Guys group chat resorted to capitalizing words for dramatic effect as we collectively rage peed our pants.

blue 👏 bubbles 👏 only 👏

Being the Most Online ™️ of anyone I know, I was the only one to lash out. This is where I made my gravest error in misjudging the power of my enemy.

The Roadrunner vs Wile E. Coyote. Globetotters vs the Generals. The hammer and the nail. The Russian Winter. Entropy.

All undefeated. And all are merely the tendrils of Death incarnate, which does not actually ride a pale horse. No, it writes a column. It has a name. A name that strikes fear in all of God’s creatures. The Destroyer of Worlds. A name struck from the obelisks of Ancient Egypt.

His name is Joshua Newman.

why did he hyphenate “well-played”?

If I only knew what would happen next, I would have told my family that I loved them. Repaid that convenience store I stole a can of Amp from back in 8th grade. Lit a candle and asked for the intervention of Mother Ann Seton herself. Accept my impending demise and take solace in the world continuing on, the particles that made up my body formed by the stars eons ago now returning to the bosom of Mother Gaia (lol bosom) and continuing the unending cycle of rebirth.

I was murdered.

Say goodnight to The Mope.

  • VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE (9/15/18): Josh blocked me on Twitter.com when he read it. I was hoping for reconciliation but instead I have angered an elder god.

Call me a mope on Twitter.com at @BakedBeansBoii

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