No More Mr Metrosexual: New Macho Code For The 21st Century Male

[TONGUE-IN-CHEEK DRAFT / NOT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY]

Is she enjoying a mile when you only planned to give her an inch? Maybe it’s time for the boys to lay down some new rules in the battleground of the sexes. Las feministas call it “empowerment”, we call it: growing a pair of cohones.

We’ve all done it. You want to be the nice guy, and give your beautiful damsel the room she needs to indulge herself as the cute new Queen of Sheba. But like all good things, too much of a little rope can lead our beloved better halves into taking the proverbial. Before you know it, she’s micro-managing your life, treating you like a pleasing poodle she has to stop shitting on the carpet, demanding room service sponge baths, and expecting you to act like her best female friend from school who turned out to be a closet lesbian.

Dear reader, it’s time for a change if the scales have tipped. Maybe there’s one of your mates who just can’t stop bringing back girls he picks up at the Slag-o-rama discothequa who write “DOORMAT” in invisible UV marker on his forehead. You’re sick to the back teeth of listening to him whine on when they grease him up for yet another predictable shafting. Perhaps her home cooking’s let you get a little slack, and it’s time to remind little madam why you’re the one who deals with the suspicious noises at 3am.

Now, nobody’s advocating a Danny Dyer-style approach with something from the toolshed, but just as she has to “remind” you (nagging, basically), it’s useful to help her relive those early butterflies when she saw you as a stranger, not the spineless eunuch she’s put into potty training. How? By getting back in touch with that old-fashioned beautiful part of you that would sling her over your shoulder and take her back to your cave: your inner Neanderthal.

Get with the program man-puss, draw the line with the girl who would be princess, and stop lowering the standards for all of us. Take your life back, put your foot down, and become a new man from the old school with some new rules.

Let’s get started.

RULE 1: YOU ONLY GET IN IF YOU PASS THE 8-WEEK EXAM.

99% of all your problems could be phased out with this simple principle, because, as they say, prevention is better than cure. You’re both going to be on your best behaviour in the first 8 weeks, so if anything unsavoury goes on here, it will always, always get worse. A squeak will turn into the sound of a jet liner’s engines over a year. If she’s weird now, make your excuses and run for the hills.

RULE 2: IF YOU’RE NOT AVAILABLE, CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE.

It’s amazing how easily we make compromises and settle for being ram-raided when we want something enough. She’s got to be yours exclusively, and ready to get into a healthy relationship. If you wanted an emotional threesome with the ex she’s not over, you’d call him yourself. Likewise, if she needs to be single for a while, tell her to get it out of her system and stop wasting your time.

RULE 3: I’M A MAN. I GET TO BE A MAN. NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

That’s right, toots. If you want empathy, there’s probably a lesbian club that can help you out, a crying fat girl in the chip shop, or one of your self-righteous support network who’ll be the oestrogen supply you need. Men are men, period. That means exactly what you think it means, and it’s how you like us anyway. Don’t expect any of us to act or think like a chick, as we’re complimentary. Think lock and key, not clone wars.

RULE 4: HORMONES & PMS AREN’T A FREE PASS TO BE A NIGHTMARE.

It’s called evening primrose oil. Or the contraceptive pill. You’ve known about your periods since you were a teenager, so it’s not exactly reasonable to act surprised that you’re huffing down Dairy Milk, crying at the weather report and lashing out with the frying pan every single month. Yes, sensitivity’s fine, but we’re not here to be abused or subjected to a week of hell because of it.

RULE 5: I DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TRICK QUESTIONS.

Otherwise known as the no-win situation, there are certain things you ask that we just know are never, ever going to turn out well and either way we’re going to get gored. Examples include: how many people we’ve slept with, whether you look fat in the new outfit, what we think of your family and why we didn’t call. It’s not us, it’s you, and you’re just going to have to re-phrase.

RULE 6: NO MEANS NO, WHICH MEANS NO.

You have a little finger, and it’s had quite a few people twisted around it. Our yes means yes, and our no means exactly that: no. No to redecorating the bachelor pad, no to moving your mother in, no to you staying at your ex’s house, no to you navigating. When a man puts his foot down, he means it. All that energy spent on trying to spin us around like a fairground top would be better spent at H&M.

RULE 7: I GET TO BE MYSELF, OR YOU GET THE DOOR.

This should go without saying, but there are some women out there who think their vocation in life is to transform their man into their own private fantasy Ken & Barbie dreamworld and get very upset when they meet resistance to their master plan. Love means accepting someone for who they are, faults and all. If that’s not how she sees it, there will be another chump she can dress up like a doll.

RULE 8: BE A BIG GIRL AND THINK FOR YOURSELF.

There’s no use complaining that you’re only appreciated when you’re wearing suspenders, and not for the smart and perceptive woman you are every day if your mother and girlfriends operate you by remote control. Influence is one thing, but when all your decisions and opinions change after their latest interference effort, you need to have a little character, love.

RULE 9: I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO KICK SOME ASS IF NECESSARY.

You might not like it, but part of a man’s job description is occasionally to take control of things, hoist a black flag, show off his war face and start chopping. We might look a little nasty, but sometimes we have to bare our teeth and we know you secretly like it because you go all girly when we do. You don’t want to go to sleep with a wet blanket, and we’re meant to be dangerous creatures.

RULE 10: FOR GOD’S SAKE KEEP AWAY FROM EQUIPMENT OR MACHINERY.

Before you sound off with the feminist claptrap, do we show you how to put on your make-up? No, we definitely don’t, because we know our limits. When it comes to wiring, woodwork, electronics, engines or anything involving fuel, tools or electricity, just hand it over with a smile. It always turns out tragically otherwise, and we both know it. You hate it anyway.

RULE 11: IF YOU LIKE DRAMA, SIGN UP WITH AN ACTING TROUPE.

Expressing your feelings is healthy. What’s not is pressing the big red nuclear button and causing absolute chaos to get a reaction like a demented schoolgirl because you’re upset. Save it for the local AmDram meeting. Shrieking, crying, exaggerating, overblowing and wildly-OTT gestures don’t make anything better. It may have been the default way when you were 8, but not now thank you.

RULE 12: YOU DON’T GET TO HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS.

The number one complaint of men everywhere since the beginning of time. One rule for you and another for everyone else is a quick way to bring out the raging bull in a chap, or if you’re lucky, the apathetic sofa-dweller who really can’t be bothered to listen anymore. If we don’t get to do something, neither do you. If you break your own rule, we get to break it as well. One quick reversal of your “no flirting” regulations should make the point clear in no time.

RULE 13: SHUT UP COMPLAINING ABOUT CHIVALRY.

There was a time when an English gentleman could do just that — be a gentleman — without rants about how commercial Valentines day is, flowers only appear as an apology, and opening doors undermines your ability to do it for yourself. Enough already. If we want to ruin our new jacket by putting it across a puddle for you, we will. And if you’re lucky, we’ll damn well pay for dinner too.

RULE 14: I’M NOT LYING FOR YOU OR COVERING UP.

Now this isn’t a trust issue. Yes, you should be able to trust us with your life, and you can. But there’s a big difference between that and expecting us to do your cynical dirty work. If you’ve done something wrong, you have to take the bullet just like we do, whether that’s calling in sick on your ownsome or apologising to someone. You expect us to live with integrity, so pipe down if we won’t sink down to the depths with you.

RULE 15: IF YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT ISSUES, YOU HAVE TO GET SOME HELP.

Thankfully most sensible gents are smart enough to pass up on playing doctor for mentalist, devil child bunny boilers with serious problems, but inevitably baggage rears its rather unattractive head at some point. It’s unlikely it’s the first time she’s gone loopy. It’s a no-compromise situation. Either she gets professional help to get better, or it’s straightening deckchairs on the Titanic and then her drowning you as you try to save her.

RULE 16: I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER, THANKS.

Maternal is cute, there’s no doubt. Caring feels nice as well. But if we wanted you patronising, smothering and second-guessing us as a helpless infant, we’d buy nappies, ask you to express breast milk and join an adult baby fetish club. Maybe it’s time to get a kitten or puppy to nurture and resist your pressing biological clock. Plus, who on earth wants to have sex with their mother?

RULE 17: I GET TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS.

As controversial as it might be, it’s really OK for you to be good friends with ex-girlfriends. Why? Because they were a big part of your life and you were close. It doesn’t mean there’s anything between you anymore, and being friends is good. Every single girlfriend you could have on the planet is going to hate your ex, and your ex will probably hate her too. That’s a woman issue. As is insecurity, possessiveness, getting one-up on the last girl and more. Let them get on with it.

RULE 18: I AM NOT SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE “MANAGED”.

If a woman ever gives you the impression she thinks this, run away, man. Run, run and run some more. She’s a barely-hidden control freak nutcase who is going to have you locked up and mowing the lawn before you know it, because it’s her mission and a “project” that she brags to her girlfriends about. If you like that kind of thing, lube up that mangina and get subscribing to S&M magazines.

RULE 19: I’M NEVER GOING TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT GIRL STUFF.

It might sound a little cruel, but we are wired differently. As much as we might make a pisspoor attempt at feigning some interest, we really don’t care. Yes, shopping sucks. As does talking about make-up, celebrity gossip mags, and watching TV programs about relationships and property renovation. You don’t get video games or car chases either. It’s OK for us to hate each other’s fun.

RULE 20: GROW UP, I’M NOT A MIND READER.

Life gets a hell of a lot easier when you finally get that men aren’t telepathic mind readers who should know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling all the time. You’ve got that confused with a woman. No male has ever got a hint in over 3000 years and never will. Learn this fact. We have to be more sensitive to you, so you can meet us in the middle and be more direct, even if it feels weird. It’s called progress.

RULE 21: IF YOU WANT TO ARGUE, JOIN A DEBATING SOCIETY.

We get it enough at work or in the pub. Arguing is supposed to be a last resort when everything else has broken down, but a lot of chicks like it because it helps them feel you care. No-one in their right mind wants to have to put on a helmet and pads before they walk in through the front door. Better sleeping on the tin roof of a desert hut than living with a contentious, screaming banshee woman.

RULE 22: DON’T DRAG ME INTO FAMILY OR GIRL POLITICS.

If she gets on better with your own mother than you do, it’s time to re-evaluate what you’re doing with your life. If you get that rolling-eyes sensation when she’s harping on again about another thing her dumbass best friend or neurotic sister has done to annoy her, it’s time to tune out of the bitch-til-you-collapse channel and onto something else more interesting. Like the paint drying.

RULE 23: THANKS FOR THE BEAUTY PRODUCTS, BUT NO THANKS.

It may be acceptable, and perhaps even fashionable for a chap to explore his metrosexual side, but any real man knows different. The discerning gent has no business dithering around with moisturiser, nail buffing, spray tanning, skin products, or god forbid, mascara. James Bond doesn’t, and neither do you. It’s not caring, it’s the cosmetic equivalent of castration. Aftershave, fine.

RULE 24: HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, DON’T SUPERVISE MINE.

Your friends are going to be the first to notice that you have to check in and check out, even for a cheeky late night beer. Nobody likes a clinger, or to be examined like a female gorilla checking her mate for lice. You have to be a whole person with a whole life to share it with someone else. Living under a microscope and being cross-examined by the hour ain’t a relationship, it’s persecution.

RULE 25: I AM NOT YOUR PUNCHBAG OR DUMPTRUCK.

Taking up boxing in a gym is a pretty good place to practice if you want to smack someone or something around instead of your boyfriend. Dumping baggage on you like it’s a reclaim belt at an airport, or treating you like a humble mule for her issues is downright exhausting. If she thinks she’s entitled to do that because that’s what men are for in general, remind her you can punch back.

RULE 26: GROWN UPS DON’T PLAY GIRL GAMES.

Sooner or later, even if just for a few sad minutes, almost every chick regresses back to her schooldays. Particularly if she’s scorned, dumped, drunk or needing a pick-me-up. Zero tolerance, silence and indifference is the best approach, no matter how much you want to react. Pull no punches and come down hard when it comes to jealousy trips, playing hard to get and other crap.

RULE 27: I’LL SWITCH THE PORN OFF WHEN YOU GET ME OFF.

It’s that painful secret you don’t really want to reveal. After a few months, you’ve had the hot passion, and she’s settling in, probably getting fat. Sex is the price women pay for marriage, and marriage is the price men pay for sex. It’s best to be blunt. If she was trying a little harder to jkeep you interested and was satisfying you, being the visual creature you are, the porn would be in your bedroom, not on the screen.

RULE 28: I GET A MAN ROOM, MAN THINGS, AND MAN TIME.

Don’t be persuaded otherwise, you need your manly materials. They make you who you are, you enjoy them, and damn it, you deserve them. That freedom to be the alpha ape you are is essential for healthy living and keeping yourself sane. She gets the interior decor, kitchenware and bathroom, but you get the space and time for all your masculine needs: sport, electronics, beer, the dog, and if she’s a real keeper, posters of girls.

RULE 29: BE POSITIVE AND STOP WHINGEING.

Moaning’s nice when you’re sweating around in the sack, but it’s a lot less appealing anywhere else. If she’s the type of lady who is fully convinced that a problem shared is a problem solved, you probably need to invest in a hobby that involves earphones. The alternative is to wave your finger and tell her to be a little more grateful and that focus on what’s right, not what’s wrong. Misery loves company and her negativity is a lot more polluting than your cigar smoke with the boys.

RULE 30: YOU ARE NOT A PRINCESS.

Daddy has a lot to blame for this. If you were, you’ve has come out of your mum’s tummy with a tiara. Beware any woman who says these words, as guess what? She’s going to expect you to treat her like one and have double tantrums when you don’t. You don’t live in a castle, you don’t have special privileges, and you’re the same as everyone else. It might be worth checking if she’s eating too many E numbers or whether it’s time to secretly switch her cappuccino to decaf.