Soul Searching Questions

One of my biggest rewards from taking a step away from my career was the time and space to ask myself the questions,
“What do I want from life? What will make me happy?”
When I was working, I rationalized my work, I tried to make sense of why I worked by telling myself how it was going to eventually lead to something I wanted, something worthwhile.
I wanted to be a writer so I told myself I was doing a PhD so that I can write my dissertation — a book!
I wanted to be a teacher of writing so I told myself I don’t get to teach now but after my PhD, I will have the qualification, and then, I will find a job as an academic writing advisor, and then I can fulfill my dream.
Little did I know that by just quitting that PhD and writing a book on academic writing, I had already partially fulfilled two of my deepest desires, without even needing the PhD.
Leaving the comforts of my country and home and traveling to strange new lands and experiencing life in its raw and uncut version — having a clean canvas to paint my hopes, dreams and desires on— helped me understand myself better.
I learned from experience. Heart breaks made me ask what kind of relationships do I want to build with people in my life.
Realising I was happier overseas than in Singapore made me question what was it that was lacking at home that I did not have lack of overseas?
Space and time alone.
It made me realize that maybe I can be happy here in Singapore too. I just need to make enough money to rent a place that gives me quiet and privacy, possibly near nature where I can get away from the busyness of it all. And I need to love myself enough to prioritize my needs and wants and be able to say, ‘No’ or ‘I’m tired and I have to go.’
If not at home, perhaps I may find somewhere else in the world where I can fulfill these. Who knows?
‘What do you want in your life? What will make you happy?’
These two questions, I am still asking them, and I am still seeking answers. And during this sabbatical, I am giving myself opportunities to experience different types of lives, alternative versions and visions of living, to help myself answer them.
So perhaps I have lost a year of establishing a career and a year of potential earnings and a year of progressing forward with my peers…
But I have gained a clearer idea of what I want in life and a deeper appreciation of who I am and what I need to be happy.
To me, frankly, that’s more important.
Originally published at http://chuashuyi.wordpress.com on November 6, 2019.
