Happiness was a virtue long dismissed by her system. Outpouring moments of happiness would worry her. She cringed the most at the joy of now. Being in the moment as everybody would call it. It perturbed her to embrace today. For if she would embrace the present, she would have to give up on her past.
Staring at the setting sun from the glass window of her cabin, she would often go down the memory lane. Delightful and heartwarming memories gushing through her head would make her heart pace rapidly.
Memories. Some fleeting. Like the song that reminded her of the time she danced till midnight. Or the scent of the moist earth that reminded her of the first wild monsoon ride. Some intense. That reminded her of the times when her soul came to life. A playlist that played on loop as she packed to leave the city. A certain fragrance that reminded her of the neck that was cushion to her head every night.
She thought to herself as she reminisced in the moments of solace. Was she even capable of feeling anything new? Would the old memories suffocate to death as they would adjust with the new ones for space in her finite mind?Would the old memories spill out as she would welcome the new ones to make home in her fragile mind?
These memories were beautiful. They brought warmth inside her when she sat by herself. They made her smile in distress. They gave her cushion when she collapsed. Yet they brought about a certain anxiety. Were these just memories or were these unfinished stories.
She was scared if she let anyone of them go. If she forgot how anyone of them made her feel. She would feel like she gave up too soon. Like she didn’t try enough to make one of them her life story.