The Secrets to Overcome Eye Contact Anxiety
Simple techniques to maintain good eye contact and to overcome eye contact anxiety.
Do you ever have trouble looking people in the eyes?
For me, yes. When talking with others at a close range, I don’t know where to look. I am also afraid of being seen or stared at by others. People always say I can be more confident. I have received many comments like this since I was a kid. Then I always think, ‘maybe I am just not a confident person.’ This mindset affected me for years, and I always told myself I’m not confident. So I am more passive at school and on other occasions, and I’m afraid to speak in front of people.
In these few days, I started to rethink why do people think I am not confident? I want to change how people think of me. Then I observed that most of the confident people do not avoid eye contact. They look into the eyes of others without feeling awkward. This leaves a good impression on others and makes people think that they are confident.
But for me, I tend to avoid eye contact, and even when I look into people’s eyes, I feel incredibly awkward, especially at a short distance. I tried to practice eye contact in my daily life, but I failed at last. Every time I meet people’s eyes, I feel uncomfortable, and I would look down at the floor or look anywhere but in their eyes.
Why Is Eye Contact Important?
Eye contact is one of the nonverbal communications. All of your nonverbal behaviors, send strong messages. They can put people at ease, build trust, and draw others towards you, or they can offend, confuse, and undermine what you’re trying to convey. These messages don’t stop when you stop speaking either. Even when you’re silent, you’re still communicating nonverbally.
According to research, only a small percentage of communication involves actual words; 7% to be exact. The other 93% is nonverbal. About 38% are vocal nonverbal signals such as pitch, speed, and volume of one’s voice, and 55% of nonverbal is visual such as body language and eye contact.
So eye contact is one of the essential elements that shape how people think of you. If you avoid eye contact, people might think you lack confidence, and you are not prepared.
Tips For Making Good Eye Contact
Before learning how to overcome eye contact anxiety, you should know more about how to make comfortable eye contact. Here are a few small tips for your references.
Don’t stare deeply into people’s eyes
Don’t be that person who stares deeply into people’s eyes — the entire conversation with minimal blinking. Staring too intensely will make people uncomfortable and also creepy.
Instead, go for a happy medium. One trick I’ve learned, first written about by Dale Carnegie, is to look at your interviewer’s eyes long enough to register what color they are before looking away. It is around 4–5 seconds. For whatever reason, this amount of time feels natural — and effectively mimics those lucky non-awkward people who can do this instinctively.
You will look more relaxed when looking away occasionally. When you break eye contact, look away slowly. Looking away too quickly (darting your eyes) can make you appear nervous or shy.
Use soft eye focus
You can use a soft eye focus to see people. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, try letting your eyes go slightly out of focus, and let your eye muscles to relax. Then gently land your eyes on one person at a time and allow your focus to remain soft. You will notice that you see the whole of the person. You will not see the details of their features. This technique has the added benefit of softening and relaxing your gaze.
The 50/70 rule
You can use the 50/70 rule to measure the right amount of eye contact. Maintain eye contact 50% of the time when speaking, and 70% when listening.
How To Overcome Eye Contact Anxiety?
Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their eyes and mouth
If you feel a bit awkward or forced when staring into someone else’s eyes, try this little trick given by career expert Kara Ronin: Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their eyes and mouth. During the conversation, change your gaze every 5 to 10 seconds from one point on the triangle to another. It can make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation.
This technique worked well for me. Of course, you can make changes according to your preferences. You can look around their eyes and nose, or their eyebrows and nose. Using this rule, I can maintain longer eye contact with people with less awkward feelings.
Practice with a mirror.
Practice makes perfect. Before I started practicing, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror for more than ten seconds. I feel incredibly uncomfortable. But after practicing for one week, I feel more relaxed when I look into my eyes.
So if you’re not ready to start right away, start by looking at yourself in the mirror. It’s sillier than many of the contexts in which you’ll want to have good eye contact, but it makes you take a step back and understand what you look like when you’re looking at somebody else. Are you always smiling? Do you look calm and collected? Practicing with a mirror can show you how you look and give you the ability to accept or adjust what you see. With no partner, there’s no pressure to listen and respond — you can focus on yourself.
After practicing and applying these techniques, I now feel more comfortable when having eye contact with people. If you are facing eye contact anxiety, I hope they can help you to overcome it.
