More Trust. More Faith. Less Fear.

I continue to learn all sorts of things about myself on this journey. It’s fascinating really. And, well, a pain in the ass, too. A pain in the ass because I am noticing things about myself that I do not particularly appreciate. Also, these are things that I have noticed in the past that continue to affect me. I thought I had moved past some of these issues, but apparently, not. Ha ha ha.

I am recognizing part of this adrenal fatigue is a result of my perfectionism and my need to control. Yup. That’s a piece of the puzzle. This information came to the surface while journaling two mornings ago. (I highly recommend journaling by the way, it’s freaking amazing for working through shit — more on that later). I am noticing that perfectionism and control continue to play a role in my daily living. Who’da thunk?

*crickets*

Okay. I know. It’s not that big of a surprise.

However, this particular awareness is new. It seems one of the stressors in my life involves my finances. I owe money on my credit card and I hate owing money. My current goal is to pay off my debt as soon as humanly possible. I am super vigilant about this goal, always putting large amounts of money down on my credit card. I try to pay off purchases as they arise and I write out plans, amounts and projections of how much I can pay off by a certain time. It’s a regular practice of mine. I am super focused on this goal. Mapping out the potentiality of having it paid off by a particular time seems to bring me some kind of comfort. It’s like it’s one of my part time hobbies, trying to achieve perfect control of my finances.

Ha ha ha.

What I realized is that I feel like I cannot rest until the total amount is paid off. I know there is a part of me that feels like I cannot truly enjoy my purchases until I am debt free. I need to be debt free. This is where perfectionism and control come in. I have been wondering why it is I can’t just relax and allow myself to have some debt. It’s okay. It’s actually not even that much. But it’s always there and it drives me nuts. I keep waiting for it to be all gone.

What a fucking joke.

Why do I put myself through all of that?

Why not simply trust it will be paid off at some point or… or… or not? Who cares?

It’s like I can’t let go and have faith that it will all work out.

I can’t let go and have faith.

I just can’t.

And that is what causing me the most stress.

Completely made up, unnecessary stress.

Because really, there is no imminent danger. I am safe and well and I have more than enough.

Sigh.

This is where things get kind of complicated.

Because this whole money thing is a metaphor for my entire life.

It seems very challenging for me to let go and have faith in many areas of my life.

Do you remember a couple weeks back when I alluded to this whole trust thing?

I asked a very good question.

How is it I don’t trust myself?

In fact I asked several very good questions.

How is it I don’t trust myself? What is that about? How could it even be so? It seems to me that trusting myself should be the most normal and natural part of being alive. How could I successfully navigate this thing called living without trusting in me? Am I not the foremost authority in my own life? Do I not know myself best?

Heads up.

This blog post is going deeper than I had imagined and I don’t much like it actually. There is fear there. I can feel it. A lot of fear. And I don’t like that either.

Ugh.

Sigh.

Big Fucking Sigh.

Okay.

Well.

Turning over rocks is what I do, so let’s just go for it.

What I am discovering while engaging in a practice of noticing and journaling is not only do I have a hard time trusting myself, but I have a hard time trusting the world around me.

Let me say that again.

Not only do I have a hard time trusting myself, but I have a hard time trusting the world around me.

Now that, that is probably the root of my fucking adrenal fatigue.

Outright fear.

Fucking fear.

Fear.

Perfectionism and control are tools I have used to help me feel safe and secure. But, these two attitudes are rooted in fear. Fear of not being perfect, fear of having no worth, fear of things getting out of control and more.

I could go on and on about why I have fear. I could examine all the reasons for my perfectionism and control. I could delve into my childhood and so forth, but I’m not going to do that. Nope. That’s fucking over. I’ve done that a million times.

Fear simply is.

It doesn’t discriminate.

We all have it. It’s displayed in many ways: our dependence on mind altering substances, our resistance to change, the world’s relentless focus on consumerism, big business marketing and advertisements, broken relationships, lack of community and more. Fear is one of the bedrocks of our current society. It’s what keeps the whole shit show of burn out and lack rolling. We have been instilled with fear that we are not enough, that nature is not enough, that this world is not enough so we have to fight for more and more and more and more and more. We do things to avoid feeling this feeling. We drink, we smoke, we overindulge, we try to be perfect, we focus on controlling the world around us but fear never leaves.

So, I am afraid.

You are afraid.

We are afraid.

When I dig down deep to the very root of my fears this is what I discover:

I am afraid to trust myself for fear of making the wrong choice.

I am afraid to trust the world for fear I get hurt.

I am afraid to trust the benevolence of the Universe for fear it’s gonna kick me in the fucking ass.

And it will hurt.

A lot.

A lot. A lot.

Ha ha ha.

So, instead of potentially looking like a complete fool with the Universe’s foot in my ass, I choose fear, inaction, perfectionism and control.

Is it really that simple?

Well, yes.

I do believe so.

It’s either fear or it’s trust and love and faith and all that shit.

What I am really starting to understand is how often fear is steering my ship.

Not all the time. But a lot of the time.

Fucking fear.

What bullshit!

What happened? I thought I was fearless! I’m a warrior mama and all that stuff. I’ve done loads of scary things! I gave birth to four babies naturally, one of was a planned unassisted home birth (which I do not recommend — more on that later, too). I caught this baby in my own hands while standing by myself in the bathroom of our house on the prairies. Yeah. Cause I am fearless like that.

Ba ha ha ha ha!

Hmmmm…

This is interesting.

So, what I am discovering in this process of noticing are the times when fear is taking over and the times when I am able to trust myself.

Trust myself.

That is some kinda new concept, right?

No one told me when I was growing up, “Trust yourself, Shyloe. You know you best and you will make the right decision. Just listen to that soft sweet voice within.”

That’s been my focus for the past decade or so. Learning to trust myself. It’s such a challenge when most of the messages around me tell me this is not a good idea. It’s better to trust the authorities or experts because they know more than me.

The first time I was introduced to the idea of trusting myself was with a mentor about 15 years ago. Whenever I asked his opinion, he encouraged me to listen to myself. He told me to be quiet and go within. He would often ask me “Have you asked your Higher Power?”

What? Ask my Higher Power?

WTF?

Really? A Higher Power? What the hell does that mean?

It seemed so corny and weird and like way too much work. I would ask him “How long is this gonna take, this whole listening to my Higher Power thing?” Cause really, I was on a time crunch, always. Ha ha ha. He would laugh and tell me to be patient.

And so, I did it. I asked my Higher Power and I waited. It took a long time at first. At first, I could hear nothing at all. No guidance. No words of wisdom. Nothing. Most likely because I was too stuck in my head, too distracted by my daily routine. But over time, I developed my ability to get a feeling for which way to go, what choice would be the right one for me.

This was a one of the hardest spiritual practices of my journey so far. But it worked. And I was better for it.

I have made some pretty amazing choices by listening to that soft sweet voice within. I gave birth to a fourth baby. I moved to a place where I developed a community that loves and cherishes me in a way I have never known before. I moved again, more recently, to a new location as an experiment and to try something new. It’s been fun so far. Trusting myself and listening to my Higher Power has always ended up being the right decision. And I am grateful.

Wow. This is good.

Sometimes, it seems I just need a reminder of the way I want to move in this world.

This has been very helpful.

Now, I need to take it a step further. I need to use that soft sweet voice within for the simple decisions in my life. I would like to practice trust and faith in my daily living not just with the big stuff. Trusting myself around my finances, around taking a rest when I need it, around cancelling plans with a friend, around navigating dating in my 40s would be a welcome change. I would love to be able to let go and just breathe. Take it easy. Know deep inside of me that I have my back. I have my back. And the Universe, God, my Higher Power or whatever benevolent presence is out there, has my back, too. Not just in the big things but in the small and insignificant things as well.

What would happen if I simply believed?

What would happen if I chose to trust myself?

What would happen if I had faith that everything was going to work out for me, no matter what?

Deep deep breath.

Wow.

What would happen?

Well, I would feel well. That’s what would happen.

And my adrenal fatigue would probably disappear.

Fancy that.

Maybe it’s time to give it a try whether or not I look like a complete fool with the Universe’s foot in my ass.

More trust.

More faith.

I think it’s time.

Now, let’s just figure out how :)

xo

Shyloe