When Being Dubbed Is A Good Thing
I think I’ve reached a turning point. When it comes to sex, that is.
Sex is something that I’ve really struggled with this year. Mainly because I tried my hardest to be a sexually free butterfly who flits from penis to penis without a single care. But I care, obviously and I only wound up feeling confused and shitty after most encounters. Especially after my most recent one.
To make a long story short, a guy who had been inside of me. Literally. Casually let me know, after we had just fucked, that he and his ex were going to talk things through in person. And, “It seems like we’ll be getting back together.” So basically, I had been the rebound. Someone he could use while he got this thoughts together on a relationship that had lasted for three years.
And he had been upfront from the beginning so I knew this. I knew that that’s basically what I was to him and that it was partly my fault for going through with something that hadn’t seemed like a good idea from the beginning. I also knew that if I were in his shoes, I would want to make the relationship work too.
But still. I felt incredibly dejected. Used. Tossed aside, while he got to back to the person that he truly cares about. I felt as if I was only good enough to fuck and not much else. Like I had been reduced to some sexual object and not a person with feelings, emotions.
So, although I got “dubbed”, I decided to stop ignoring the obvious signs and my intuition and to change how I view my vag and sex as a whole. I decided that I needed to take the advice I’d been given over and over again and start to value it more. And to stop giving away something that’s worth all of the diamonds and jewels in the world for free. To people I haven’t even given enough time to see if they’re worthy or not. To figure out if they value me as much as I do.
I don’t wanna be fucked without feeling. I don’t even wanna be fucked. I wanna wait and get to know someone and have them get to know me. I want them to fall in love with me in the way that I fall in love with myself. And I want someone to share me, with me (Eartha Kitt ❤). I wanna grow and build with someone and then when we decide the time is right, we have sex. But even then, it won’t be just sex. It’ll be a transcending experience. Something far, far better than anything we’ve ever imagined.
That’s what I want to wait for.
Let me know your thoughts! Feedback is greatly appreciated!
Originally published at damntheawkwardness.wordpress.com on August 1, 2016.