Genie’s Exit Interview

GR: Why are you leaving your current position?

GENIE: It’s because of the accommodation mainly. It’s awful. There’s hardly any room to move around or breathe. It feels like the birthplace of claustrophobia. There’s total darkness inside. Even penguins in Antarctica enjoy light for six months, and the only superpower they have is identifying their partners correctly from thousands of lookalikes.

GR: Do you think you were adequately equipped to do your job well?

GENIE: No. Not at all. I never received any food or travel vouchers. No medical insurance. No bonus. No overtime either. Not even a monthly salary. Plus there were no set working hours. I shouldn’t have accepted this job. Mom was right.

GR: What was your relationship with your Master like?

GENIE: Horrible. He would summon me at any time and give ridiculous orders. For example, “Genie, fight off these 100 guys for me right now.” I mean why should I? They didn’t have anything personal against me. I didn’t even know them. I admit that initially I did indulge in a bit of violence on his commands, but later I realized that he was just using me to impress his girlfriend. How cheap is that! Once he summoned me in the middle of the night and said, “Genie, I have written a poem for my sweetheart, read it and make it better.” Now I have many powers, but improving terribly written poems isn’t one of them. The only time I truly enjoyed carrying out his orders was last month when he told me in a sorrowful voice, “Genie, let’s have a drink. She left me.” That incident proved a long-held theory of mine — nobody likes poems that don’t rhyme.

GR: What did you most like about your job?

GENIE: This current notice period.

GR: Have you shared your concerns with anyone in the company prior to deciding to leave? What was the response?

GENIE: Lady, are you an intern? Anyone who has ever heard about me knows that I have always worked alone. Without a proper desk or internet. People say that being a mom is the toughest job in the world; to them I say try being a lonely, obedient genie stuck inside a cramped, rotting lamp with no Wi-Fi.

GR: What are the key qualities and skills we should seek in your replacement?

GENIE: 1. He shouldn’t have any expectations, either from his Master or from life in general. 2. He should look forward to taking showers in tiny areas every day.

GR: What was the biggest factor that led you to accept this new job?

GENIE: I get to be a penguin in Antarctica this time.