Over the years, I’ve tweeted a bunch of things I’ve heard or overheard. Not all are funny, but even without context, some of them are amusing. Here are a few:
“Delhi’s intellectuals are professors and Planning Commission members. Mumbai’s intellectuals are in advertising.”
“If you drink enough wine it tastes like love.”
“Women are more likely to have an orgasm if they’re wearing socks”.
“Marxism is so 1984.”
“MBA wala kaam kar rahe hain hum. What nonsense”, sighed one lawyer to another.
“I like Buddhism because of all the world’s traditions, it’s the one that does the least damage in its attempts to do the most good.”
“Kumbh mela? That’s the one where the sisters and brothers get separated, right?”
“What fraction of the people in Kumbh are there only for the weed?”
“I want twins, but not identical ones. If one is ugly, the other will be too.”
“I didn’t read that book because it has a terrible cover. I judge books by their covers.”
“Speaking of the so called ‘silent majority’… the majority are silent because their arguments are shit.”
“I like him but he did kill a lot of people.”
“I don’t believe in the concept of being unique. I think being average is quite universal.”
“There is much wisdom in a bottle of wine and it’s a shame you remember none of it the morning after.”
“India has developed… because they would earlier call scams ‘-ghotala’, but now they call it ‘-gate’.”
“When I was 10 years old, I asked my dad, ‘when will I be able to have sex?’ My dad replied, ‘hmmm when you are 18.’”
“I wish could run away from reality but I’m married.”
“Everyone knows the Queen is going to outlive the Royal Baby anyway.”
“Does Bobby Jindal know he’s not white? The only thing “Brown” about him is the Rhode Island college he attended.”
While the song ‘Get Lucky’ was playing, “Why would someone wait for the whole night to get lucky? If I didn’t get lucky by midnight, I’d leave.”
“He gets on my nerves sometimes”.
“Most of your nerves, you know, are concentrated down there. So it’s probably not a bad thing.”
“I want the exact opposite of what I have at any given point of time. This is true for jobs, relationships, situations.”
“DMs have been good to me.”
“Placenta aa raha hai? Menstrual cycle aa rahi hai?” — overheard a medical student ask her friend about what’s included in the exam syllabus.
“What’s ‘morning wood’ called in Hindi?”
“That book is too costly, yaar. But I’ll buy it anyway. I’ll just eat less.” — at the Jaipur Literature Festival.
“Rum leads to coitus.”
“What are your thoughts of the BRICS Bank?”
“It’s a great idea. Much needed.”
“Why is that?”
“One more potential employer.”
“I thought flavoured condoms exist because women have taste buds down there.”
“Going to Australia is the traveller’s version of a blow job”.
“It’s so cold! And you’re not wearing warm clothes!”
“I’m wearing five layers: a shirt, a sweater, three rums and sex”.
“Kya plan hai tumhara?”
“Koi plan nahi hai. Ab toh planning commission bhi band ho gaya. Aise poocho: kya niti hai tumhari?”
Husband: “Stop watching TV. You’ve watched enough of it for the month.”
Wife: “You’ve watched enough porn for your life.”
“Napping together is my kind of date.”
“Forget Tinder. I know someone who got laid through OLX.”
“My relationship is like religion right now. I need to believe in it for it to exist.”
“Yesterday I heard a story about someone who accidentally shaved her nipple off.”
“I’m as single as our Prime Ministerial candidates.”
“I went to the chemist to get nicotine patches but couldn’t find any. So I bought a pack of cigarettes instead.”
“When I become the King, no one will have to wear pants.”
“She’s a lot like me, and I can’t be with her because of that. I can’t imagine having to deal with someone like me.”
“The only place you can have an honest conversation is with a stranger in the middle of the night.”
“In my hospice practicum, I never heard a single person say she regretted having experienced too much.”
During election season, “Development toh yeh karenge nahi. Kawwaliyan karate raho inse.”