Memories of early childhood

(ML1) Computer operating system is very critical to manage its applications. Likewise early childhood and memories from early part of life forms the operating system for life (especially 0–6 years). All applications loaded thereafter depend on this operating system. Education, jobs, relationships, lifestyle. Everything.

My earliest memory goes back to when I was 3 years old. My mom is getting me ready. My dad is giving some advice that I am unable to recall. I can see my stuffs packed and looks like something not going right. I don’t know what’s happening. We get into a bus. I still recall that journey. And that was the beginning of my life’s ‘journeys of uncertainties’.

I reach a place, resembles like a school. Some happy faces and some watching me with curiosity. I recall entering a room, looks like the principal’s room and the lady try to get me into a conversation. I am still playful not knowing it’s the beginning of long ‘journey of loneliness’.

It’s like a long pause.

My playfull time suddenly comes to an end, by knowing that I couldn’t find my parents. Well not for next couple of weeks or months. I was in a hostel and they had left me for education. (My father wanted me to get English education that was not possible in the town, where they lived).

I am clueless. Confused. Everything suddenly has changed. I am lost. Did I do something wrong. Who should I hug. Whose lap should I sit. Who I should talk to. Who will listen to me. Who are all these people.

It’s crowded and I am alone.

Minutes became days and days became weeks and months. Every minute, every second was like few years. Missing parents at a tender age is so disappointing. You feel like ‘the unwanted’. And this feeling greatly impacts adult life. Self-esteem and confidence is broken and you become someone made of pieces, rather as whole. The lonliness haunts even when you are in crowd, even when with friends and family. It’s like being unattached. Thin threads holding you and people around, even though they may be close to you.

You don’t want to loose anyone. Every relationship seems so important. You tend to please all to just be in relationships, even when you know it’s not worth it. It’s a feeling of ‘to belong' rather ‘in being’.

Any small disappointment hurts like a volcanic rock falling on your head. So you start compromising and it becomes endless period of sacrifices, till you know it’s not worth it anymore. And you have lost good part of your time.

Some weeks or months of crying, deep sadness, feeling hurt, confused and lost, ends suddenly one day as I see someone that I could recall. Yes. They are my parents and are here to see me. I don’t know how to react. I was not prepared for this. It’s another pause. A pause of infinity. Pause of uncertainty.

Few hours spent crying, wanting to go out of this place at any cost. Not leaving my mom and dad, even for a second. Any distraction to deviate my attention is well understood and disregarded.

After sometimes I see my nightmare again. My parents are missing and I find myself completely left at the mercy of the caretakers, again. How did this happen. It was like both joy and sadness mixed with toppings of loneliness and confusion. I am exhausted and sleep off. Next day same routine. I hated everything. Everyone.

I was three years old and depressed.

Less than 6 months I developed severe health issues. It was amebiasis. My parents reach again and I found this time they didn’t leave me but took me along. I am still confused. I am trying to get all the time I lost in that last couple of months. I am still searching. In many relationships. Even today. Those lost days.

This feeling of lost continues through the adult life. The childhood memories of lost love affects adult life. Possessiveness, perfectionism, passion or more intense feeling breads through life. It can also be totally opposite. Suddenly feeling of not wanting anything. Extreme attachment or detachment. Black or white. No greys.

I want to tell all parents, still in marriage or single parent — take care of your child. If you can’t, don’t have one. I have seen broken marriages where the first to suffer are the children. It’s better to be divorced and raise the child single hand rather than being in a relationship and staying miserable. Child is seeing you. Learning from you. You are his or her role model.

It’s small life. Stay happy. Not worth wasting your time fighting. There is lot more to do in this life. It’s so awesome. And children are your gifts. Shower them with love. Guide them. Be with them. Make them happy. Just your presence means a lot.

(….)

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