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Sidika Sehgal
Aug 8, 2017 · 1 min read

the first time you messaged me

it was at eight in the night

you wrote ‘hey’

and i stared at the screen of my phone for a few minutes with disbelieving eyes

like an idiot, i wrote back ‘hi’

and what an idiot i was

because you weren’t messaging me for anything other than work

how shattered my ego was

how bruised my self respect

that’s how i feel today

except it’s much worse now because you know how much i care for you

and how much that stupid dimple on that stupid face of yours makes me happy

you know how much i like you

and you know that i only use the word ‘like’ because i don’t want to use the word ‘love’

but that’s what i actually feel

when i start to lose faith

i scroll up in my whatsapp chats with you

to see what it felt like to be in the same time zone

and to read your promise of always being there for me

despite the time difference of a five and a half hours

but time is not the only difference anymore

it fails us each time we make unsuccessful Skype plans

and each time you don’t reply to my message

those little blue ticks on whatsapp hurt so fucking much you have no idea

there’s this letter telling you how horrible i feel

sitting in the drafts folder of my email

i just think seven thousand two hundred and seventy miles is too faraway for an email to reach you