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the first time you messaged me
it was at eight in the night
you wrote ‘hey’
and i stared at the screen of my phone for a few minutes with disbelieving eyes
like an idiot, i wrote back ‘hi’
and what an idiot i was
because you weren’t messaging me for anything other than work
how shattered my ego was
how bruised my self respect
that’s how i feel today
except it’s much worse now because you know how much i care for you
and how much that stupid dimple on that stupid face of yours makes me happy
you know how much i like you
and you know that i only use the word ‘like’ because i don’t want to use the word ‘love’
but that’s what i actually feel
when i start to lose faith
i scroll up in my whatsapp chats with you
to see what it felt like to be in the same time zone
and to read your promise of always being there for me
despite the time difference of a five and a half hours
but time is not the only difference anymore
it fails us each time we make unsuccessful Skype plans
and each time you don’t reply to my message
those little blue ticks on whatsapp hurt so fucking much you have no idea
there’s this letter telling you how horrible i feel
sitting in the drafts folder of my email
i just think seven thousand two hundred and seventy miles is too faraway for an email to reach you
