I Don’t Know How To Friend People & I’m 40 Years Old

I’m old, I’m tired, and I still don’t know how to friend people. I’m putting this here because no one of importance will see it. It keeps me anonymous while simultaneously reaching out. I’m putting this here because I need to get out my feelings and not keep them pent up.

So I’ve essentially lost the friendships I have developed over the last six years. Some I feel were genuine, some I feel were forced.

I felt that because I had issues with some, I would have issues with all. It’s empty feeling to know that I am not able to maintain friends and that I constantly have to maintain a balance of keeping my respect and keeping my friendships.

People who seek to hurt you, insult you, and degrade each and everything you do aren’t friends. I’ve been told this countless times. I can’t share my happiness without criticisms. I can’t share my feelings without disdain. So I’m sitting here alone crying hoping that I know how to pick up the pieces and put myself back together again, all so I can prove to myself my feelings are valid.

I’m flawed. I know I’m flawed,but it seems my flaws are for everyone to see and many to prey on. I don’t understand why I am the one to always end up alone. Maybe I’m not capable of friendship. Maybe my flaws are too deep for anyone to love.

I’ve always felt like an outsider. I’ve always been the odd man out. I thought friendship was this thing that could be maintained if you tried your best. My best has never been good enough for the vast majority of people.

How does one people? How does one figure it out? Why have I never figured it out? Will I ever figure it out?