Disability & Me
I’ve had to spend the day laying in bed dealing with a chronic migraine, and I find myself reflecting on my journey this past year. Coming to terms with having a chronic invisible illness has been a difficult but necessary journey as I have delved into treatment options.
Growing up, I thought having a disability meant living in a wheelchair or being blind. Conversely, I struggled with migraines & various headaches since I was a child. My condition grew bigger as I grew; my adult life plagued with indescribable, bitter pain.
Throughout university & the beginning of my career, I carried Excedrine migraine in every place I might need it — my car, my home, my bag, my desk. Each and every moment of my life shrouded by the mystery of my illness. My university graduation, my promotions, even simply going out with friends for a drink meant a calculation of how many OTC pills to take to make it through. Even my wedding — as wonderful a day it was — was preempted with a few Excedrines to ensure a somewhat pain-free celebration. And yet, even with the regularity of pain, I still did not believe I was disabled. It felt wrong to use that terminology when I could still work & live a somewhat “normal” life.
It wasn’t until my partner and I moved to New York City & I started to see a specialist for my condition that I started to realize how much my condition affected my life. I find myself working longer hours or over the weekend because I feel guilty for having less productive days due to pain. I frequently weigh out the possibility of my pain growing above a 5 before agreeing to plans. I go through cycles of grief because my body doesn’t work the way I want it to. How can I achieve my goals & dreams when I struggle to have energy just to work & do my chores? I fight against the chorus of negativity in my thoughts to dream of the life I want.
The truth is, disability does not have a clear meaning. It can defined something visible or invisible, chronic or acute. And coming to terms with having a disability is a lifelong process for me. There will be days in the future where I still struggle with the grief of chronic pain.
But today, I will focus on getting through this attack & being thankful for the positive things I do have in my life.
