Dear Oreo

I was standing in a grocery store around 11am hungry, confused as to why I had gone to this store. Just looking for some Oreos. Simple, I thought. Munch food for a Netflix binge. When I made my way to the Oreo home in the store I stood dazed and confused. Wondering what the hell I had just walked into.

Because when I think “Oreo” I think of that iconic(?) cookie: two chocolate wafers with a thinish layer of… well… I’ll just call it filling. Nothing fancy. Much like when I think of an iPhone, Playstation or anything that’s remained consistent enough in the culture to be associated with an ideal image that’s almost universally understood.

I say all this in advance due to the fact that it took me five minutes to find an “Oreo” in the Oreo area.



Cinnamon Roll

Birthday Cake


Family-Size Double-Stuff



Filled Cupcake

And finally.

Regular Oreos.

The level of choice is unnecessary honestly most of these flavors just outright suck. I mean who was the genius who thought that cupcakes would be better in an Oreo form? Birthday Cake? Really? Who’s the hip do-dad who thinks that a lemon filling between two chocolate wafers is a delicious treat. Like is that person wishing they are eating Charlie Brown? Does Charlie Brown taste like failure?

Or is the taste a metaphor?

Much like how chips are going to such extreme variety to appeal “cool and hip with the times” there is a declining quality alongside the increase in variety. When right now there are so many better flavored things on the market that do what your cookie is trying so hard to replicate. And now I’m starting to seriously consider if Oreos were ever actually good as a standalone cookie.

So what’s next?

Is the next evolution in the Oreo to tap into the increasingly lucrative “artisanal” food-space?

Where you can charge twice as much for twice as less under the condition that it at least looks like it was made with “free-range” products and ideas that are representative of the millennial ideals that are driving this trend? Because that’d be genius. Seriously. You could cut out all the baggage that comes with the diversification of your mainstream Oreo line to market these new “artisanal” Oreo’s as a sort of retro throwback to a generation that never saw an Oreo like that and my millennial generation would be too ignorant to look into the facts. Imagine those sweet sweet profit margins and the chatter you’d get on Twitter.

Cool right?


Instead of all of that.

You could just make your fucking cookie good instead of trying to distract me with a bunch of shitty fluff that’ll only result in misdirected rage and angst.

What’s next? White chocolate artisanal nutter-butters?

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