Germany 2016: Part One

Writing these words alone has me near state of paralysis as I try to unpack all the memories and emotions behind the letters that’ll form the words which I’ll hopefully craft into something… the floodgates somewhere in my head burst at the very thought of my trip to Germany. With a tsunami of images, facts, moments, sights, smells and the feeling of pure liberation as I found myself untethered anything resembling structure for a week. Where do I begin?

Would it be fair to start at the end? To go into detail about the sort of post-trip depression I experienced over the last week as I readjust to the life I took a break from?

Should I start at the beginning? Not the flight from Pittsburgh to Charlotte.

But rather almost a year before when my friend and myself were out drinking. It was the last time we’d see each other for over a year. And in our drunken state, after he pulled me away a girl who offered me cocaine along with the implication of sex, there was a moment of honesty. Where that point in our lives…. well, that’d be the last like it. And every point moving forward from there on out would be a new beginning.

Or at least that was the context of the moment. It’s hard to define a moment of clarity like that when you feel like you’re at your worst, washing the fears away with another drink. One that you hope will be the one to kill the fears brewing inside of you.

He was moving to Germany to begin his life anew. A girl was waiting for him. A new adventure he’d be plotting on the fly. It was the future he wanted and all I could do was smile and give my support to him. Words of kindness and support, something that’d be more suited for a greeter at a church service than an agnostic Millennial who was trying to mask any sort of personal hesitance with undivided support for someone who’d always given me the same in my life. My closest friend. Someone more like a brother than a friend.

That… those…. feelings and stuff mixed with excitement. And that slight fear of being replaced.

Less than a year later he was married.

And I’m relieved that he has someone else in his life who cares for him as much, more actually, than I do. Spending so much of my life to make sure someone you care about gets themselves to where they want to be. It’s liberating.

…..

See. I got sidetracked again, the outflow of things I want to say is starting to drown me. So I’ll pick this up again in the near future.