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Silently Spoken

Twenty-Two

They say “age is but a number.”

A number to count the years since we entered this world —
Times the months that flew, swam, tumbled by with the seasons —
Times the weeks of pushing through yet another Monday —
Times a sprinkle of luck and couple of laps for needles in a circle —
Time.

I’ve had roughly 693,792,000 seconds of it.
But the last 31,536,000 seconds have made all the difference.

It was the first 31.5 million I had lived for myself.

We live in a world of expectations that make it so incredibly easy to go through the motions of living for years without a solid understanding of who we are or what we want.

I was no exception. I have been terribly lost. Broken. Confused. There have been far too many times when those seconds, days, and even years felt meaningless. Yet I clung onto a blank checkbook with a seemingly faulty pen, sunken deep in eternal debt to a series of names and faces.

It took me twenty-one years to come to accept that my debt was paid before my first second even began.

The pen was intended for a different purpose.

I am a survivor. Not a victim, but someone who managed to spin years of abuse and severe depression into a raw mental and emotional strength.

Over the past year, I have been pushing myself each and every day to grow as a person, Christian, professional, daughter, friend, and even a stranger amongst others. Some efforts have been more or less successful than others, but it felt crazy good to be doing this for me. I’ve begun to understand and embrace myself as a flawed human being, while challenging myself in ways I never have before. This will continue.

Screw New Year’s Resolutions. Forget limiting the thanks to Thanksgiving. Let go of selfish pride, give more than you receive, and be honest + genuine to the point that you can look someone straight in the eye and say that you have nothing to hide. Life’s too short to be the same exact person making the same foolish mistakes 31,536,000 seconds from now.

At Twenty-One, I:
(in random order)

  • Experienced a heart full of gratitude, each and every day, for the privileges I was born with and gifts I’ve received despite being so undeserving
  • Learned to accept criticism as wakeup call and opportunity to become a better human being
  • Discovered that if I have an almost-lethal internal drive; if I truly want something, I will make it happen no matter the cost (and if I fail, chances are I didn’t want it enough)
  • Forgave myself for my past mistakes
  • Finally experienced what it’s like to befriend my mother and love my family
  • Realized that I give a piece of my soul to everyone I love — genuinely love me once, and I’ll love you forever; perhaps there are too many people I’d take a bullet for, but I wouldn’t have it any other way
  • Started trying this thing called being straight-to-the-point/blunt, and decided to stick with it (why waste time beating around the bush?)
  • Got a taste of exploring new cities & dining-in at restaurants (happily) alone
  • Scored 2/2 full time job offers and dove head-first into a new career
  • Became comfortable in my own skin
  • Graduated from college with a satisfactory GPA
  • Decided that it’s about time to give dating another shot
  • Wrote an autobiography piece on a portion of my life that I’d forcefully forgotten, fought back the tears, and shared with a room of people standing on my own two feet
  • Consistently blogged with original text posts throughout the whole year
  • Traveled to Hawaii, South Korea, Washington, Illinois, and Indiana
  • Confronted people and problems head on
  • Rekindled old friendships and dared to reach out to those whom I’d regretted losing contact with
  • Challenged myself to stop looking up to so many people almost automatically
  • Was not short on giving compliments and words of kindness or encouragement to others, even when it seemed out of the blue
  • Took legal responsibility for my grandfather in the ER
  • Cut back on apologizing for matters completely out of my control and things I did not do wrong (I’ve been overly-apologetic)
  • Drove myself into San Francisco for the first time
  • Found my voice again — I’d forgotten how amazing it feels to sing on a regular basis
  • Invested more time and effort into my health and good habits
  • Indulged in more (positive) spontaneity than I ever have before

It’s been a great year — the best I’ve ever had. Twenty-One will be hard to beat, and I’m thankful for every second of it.