So You’ve Decided to Get a Goth Girlfriend Like Elon Musk

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Elon Musk and Grimes make their debut at the 2018 Met Gala — Getty Images

The internet is abuzz with the Met Gala debut of the unlikely pairing of billionaire transportation magnate Elon Musk and Canadian artpop darkwave electronica musician Grimes. After Googling and digesting all of Grimes’ playlist, a legion of eager Musk fanboys is now asking themselves if the key to their own career success is to continue to emulate their hero and get themselves a goth girlfriend too.

It’s important for you to know that a Goth Girlfriend is not just the hottest new autocratic technologist status symbol and gala accessory, but also a tremendous commitment. This guide is intended to help you understand what to expect if you decide to take this important step to be just like Elon Musk and get a Goth Girlfriend of your own.

Where to find a Goth Girlfriend:

A Goth Girlfriend can be found at alternative coffee shops, live music venues, or the occult section of any well-stocked bookstore or library. When laying out your Goth Girlfriend trap, it’s recommended that you bait it with either a volume of Sandman Comics, a Joy Division album, or a dessert made black with activated charcoal for no other reason than to be Instagrammable. Dimly-lit rooms, your local BDSM dungeon, shady spots on sunny days, and the creepy-crawly sections of pet stores can also yield success.

Her makeup will get everywhere.

Once you’ve won over your new Goth Girlfriend with actual candle-lit dinners and she begins to visit your home on a regular basis, you’ll notice that your sheets, pillowcases, couch and all other fabric surfaces will slowly become covered in a combination of black eyeliner, eyeshadow, and lipstick. Although you may be tempted to remove the stains, smearing black makeup across surfaces is how Goth Girlfriends mark their territory. Take it as a sign that she likes you, and ensure you wash her black clothing with a color-safe detergent in cold water.

Your bathroom will break out in blue spots.

You may think the small blueish stains now covering every surface in your bathroom is from your new Goth Girlfriend refreshing her black hair dye. This is a common misconception, as the blue spots are simply the shed aura of the ancient deep magic which keeps her hair black of its own accord. Resist the urge to scrub the spots off, as they keep the demons at bay.

Don’t be alarmed when she explodes in to bats.

It is a normal defense mechanism of a Goth Girlfriend to quite simply become bats when angered or distressed. When this inevitably happens, do not argue with or yell at the bats. Just wait for a few minutes until the seething cloud of winged fury has reformed in to your girlfriend. If bats persist for longer than 10 minutes, try tempting them with a nutritious, high iron-content snack.

Practice being a good listener.

It’s important that your Goth Girlfriend feel you are excited to hear about and engage with her passions, which can include gothic and soft science fiction, horror b-movies and cult classic slasher films. Honing your listening skills will also enable you to pay attention to the sounds behind her words, a dark whispering from beyond the veil that may rattle you awake with its insistent hunger to bring destruction and chaos to our fragile mortal plane. If the voices become too loud, inform your Goth Girlfriend, so that she can close the Seventh Seal and let you both get some sleep.

We hope that these tips will put you, dear Musk bros, off to a good start in the care and keeping of your new Goth Girlfriend. If all else fails, remember to do your best to communicate in a way that shows that you are willing to learn about her dark ways, and you’ll have many happy moonlit nights together.

Written by

Silicon Valley’s femdom sweetheart, security witch, memoirist, postmistress general.

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