Why being vulnerable isn’t helpful in a relationship!
Is it possible to feel actually safe with your partner? What are the consequences of opening up your needs and desires to another person?
Everybody talks about being vulnerable as the way to have deeper and longer lasting relationships with your partner and make your partner deeply fall in love with you, but rarely does anyone talk about how essential it is that you are prepared to be vulnerable, otherwise it will be a frightening mess!
Vulnerability means to show another person who we truly are and what we truly feel — since being authentic. If you’re vulnerable in such a way, you can actually be rejected, judged, criticized and hurt.
A married client of mine made this experience with her husband. When she finally took the courage to address her frustration with her husband’s irresponsibility at home, “he just yelled at me and disgust my feelings”, she told me in the session. “What did you do then”, I asked. “I closed up and shut my mouth and have not mentioned it again.”
All talking about taking the risk and having the courage to go out there and expose your inner self, make it even worse. You’re not set up to be vulnerable in a relationship.
Unfortunately, in many instances we don’t feel secure enough with our partner to approach anything which could endanger the bond in our relationship, especially when you are quite sensitive to disapproval.
Or we do the opposite and play out the angry girl and blame our man like this: “I want you to spend time with me, to have time for us. You always come home late and I’m here alone. You don’t bother how I feel.”
And it’s not your fault. The most of us have not learnt or had the tools so far to feel secure with showing their authentic self and coping with the reactions of the other partner.
And the good news is, that you can learn these skills now, in whatever situation or age you are.
Here are some ways you can feel more comfortable to build up that capacity to feel vulnerable.
It involves three steps:
1. Body: Being in your body
2. Feel: Understanding the sensations and emotions in your body.
3. Talk: Express it and cope with the reaction.
1. Be alert what your body is revealing to you
Dive into your body and locate where you’re feeling a sensation like tensed, hard, warm, etc. Your body is quite reliable in revealing to you what’s going on inside and outside yourself. Stand still and listen inside and track your body from the head, face, shoulders, arms, hands, belly, legs…
There are certain points in which our body holds specific emotions. The following gives you a brief guideline which maybe applied to your situation: In our shoulders, neck and hands we often hold anger, the belly region is often associated with a fear belt, feeling a lump in the throat could be that feelings and opinions are not expressed, the belly region stands for the love, play and pleasure, and the legs for feeling safe in the body.
2. Surrender to the sensation
Now put a word or phrase to the sensation or feeling how it feels to you like warm, hard, crunchy, light, tensed, relaxed etc. In the beginning it is the best to find basic sensations. Just attach a word to it, even if it doesn’t make sense. The more you practice, the easier it becomes finding the right words to it.
You can start with touching objects like a glass, a table, your trouser and let your fingers rub over it. Just express how the surface feels for you like: “The table feels cold and smooth.” This easy tool will immediately ground and strengthen you when you’re feeling vulnerable and insecure. When you feel that you need more stability, just imagine roots going down from your feet into the earth.
3. Be authentic and become attractive
Instead of speaking from your head and telling the other person, what you think, what you think of the other, or what you think the other should do, tell the other person what you’re actually feeling at that very moment. You will become present so that your partner can feel you and connect with you.
You can say: I feel happy, glad, mad, sad, afraid, overwhelmed, lonely, uncomfortable, tired, giggly, a crumb in my stomach, a lump in my throat, or I felt [add sensation or feeling], I would feel [add sensation or feeling]. And if you don’t feel comfortable with the way your relationship swings you can say: “I feel [add sensation or feeling]. I don’t want that kind of relationship, what do you think?” With this you invite your partner to think and come up with a solution.
Being in your body and understanding your feelings is the first step, but in order to have a genuinely healthy relationship or to find the right partner and don’t repeat the same circles of unsatisfying experiences all over again, you have to understand where the feeling came from in the first place and why it exists in your life right now.
The reason it has come up again it’s a way your soul shows you to heal whatever it is. It is your own soul asking you to heal it. That’s why it attracts that experience to heal it. If you heal it, you don’t need to learn that experience anymore and you can move to the next level.
This is where a relationship expert can assist you in healing your way to love. In the case of my client above she learned talking to her husband from her heart. I assisted her scripting her words in the conversation with her husband and how to use her body language to stay open and relaxed, which made her feeling more secure to open up to her man and cope with his reaction.
The transformation however came, when went a level deeper and cleared the fear which was holding her back from showing the courage to show her true self.
For her it was the fear of the shouting of her husband and his disapproval of her needs, which made her freeze anytime it happened. With family constellation we found out that her mother had been in a very submissive relationship with her father and made always a fake smile to please everybody. Her father was very dominant and could easily be angered.
Early in life she had learnt that being a crump taking queen and pretending to be the way she thought to be, is the safest way to connect with a man. After she had found out in the session what she had to energetically give back to her parents in order to feel happy, my client could make peace between keeping it safe and comforting her deepest desires.