emotion#24: Frustration

Self-portrait by the author.

I know you try your best to understand, but I still can’t avoid grinding my teeth and looking away. What I said was perfectly clear.

I am doing my best, so how can my best not be enough? I cannot accept this possibility, because it means that I am not enough.

I try again and almost lose it. I fail again.

Not accepted. Not accepted. Rejected.

Yesterday I dreamed that I had broken my 50 day “no sugar” challenge. My partner was eating cotton candy and he stuffed it into my mouth, either forgetting or not caring about the importance of my commitment. I woke up shaking. Not again.

Disappointment? No. Fear of the endless repetition. Try and error, forever and ever, no finish line to be seen. If not now, then when?

Rome wasn’t built in a day, you can do anything if you set your mind to it, personal development articles, but what about me? What about real life? What about that moment when I just can’t — physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, realistically — do it anymore?

“Adrenaline makes you do crazy shit”. All the stories about mothers lifting cars to remove their children from cars set on fire. “We only use 10% of our brain.”

But how the hell do I get out? How the hell do I take that much needed step back, how do I set myself to do the one thing that I have postponed for years, how do I even show myself that this thing is more important than anything else?

I guess I just keep on trying. One step at a time. It’s all part of the process, yada yada yada.