Letter to myself — I totally screw it up.

I have recently discovered that both the beauty and the beast live inside me.

Dear Self,

I have recently discovered that both the beauty and the beast live inside me. Although I saw the movie and read some books on the subject I truly understood this by experience. Let me tell you how. I know now that inspiration is the blessing I am looking for. Everything I need and basically everything I have right now is the collection of ideas you give to me. What I do with them it is entirely up to me. I can ignore them, use them wrong or let them guide me to you and to the world I am dreaming of. This is the beauty.

In this very moment I am full of guilt and resentment because I let one of my ideas in the hands of other people. Blinded by their fame and power, seduced by their perfume and fascinated by their words I let them be in charge of the most intimate part of me. I was hoping that they will help me in the future. I was hoping that they will rise me up in the eyes of other people. I screw it up totally. Not only that this thinking was stupid but my ideas are now poorly managed and I don’t even got the respect I deserve. To watch my idea die with no power to save it is one of the most painful feelings I have experienced. It is like seeing my own child die. And this is the beast.

I was wrong. I didn’t raised to the level of the inspiration you gave me. I did not have the courage to ride it and see how far I can go. I passed my ideas to others so easy. I realize that I have understated them. And on top of that I did not ask anything in return. I thought that this is trust. The truth is I trusted everything else except me. And this is not even called trust. The right word is fear.

The good news is that somehow I woke up and finally asked for my rights. I got them after and exhausting struggle, that is not over yet. The feeling of standing up for myself is extraordinary liberating and I feel like the beauty and the beast are finally working as a team. They are now friends.

I am deeply sorry and I pray that you, the source of my ideas, enthusiasm and inspiration will not leave me. I learned my lesson and I will not make the same mistake again. I am writing to apologize to you, my dear self. I will never ever, ever, ever put you on the second place again. I promise I will be more responsible for the way I deliver the ideas into the world. I will make sure that the beauty and the beast are working together not against each other. And I will not accept anything less than that because you don’t except anything less than that either. You are the most precious thing I have and I believe in you.

Forgive me, S.

Originally published at www.silvisme.ro on August 6, 2015.