Is it just me, or has the intimate behavior of modern humans taken a turn for the worse? I just met a stranger for coffee- what used to be known as a blind date- and after about 5 minutes, he says, to my face, “You look quite fuckable” ! This was in a coffee shop at 11 am, completely sober (at least I was).

Now, what is the proper response to this statement?

“Thank you, yes, you’re right, I am sexually attractive” ?

“Fuck you, asshole” ?

As usual, I was struck dumb, and as he was perfectly content to talk about himself for the duration of our meeting, I listened, stunned at yet another man enamored at the sound of his own voice, yet another man looking for a prostitute who will give it to him for free.

This is how men these days talk to women they’ve never met before. When did it become socially acceptable to reduce someone to their scale of fuckability? (Gary Shteyngart parodies this brilliantly in Super Sad True Love Story. Unfortunately, his satire has come true.)

Never in my life have I considered the sum of my worth to be between my legs. But I am an Ivy league-educated, privileged white woman. I wonder how women less educated, younger, less informed of their options are doing? It’s a sorry state of affairs, when men assume women exist to fulfill their sexual fantasies, as if their sexual desire for someone gives them some kind of droit du seigneur.

I think part of the explanation of this behavior lies in the widespread availability and acceptability of pornography, which came about as a result of the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. In the book, Thy Neighbor’s Wife, Gay Talese documents the rise of Hugh Heffner’s empire, and the sexual awakening that many experienced in those decades, partly as a result of the widespread use of birth control. Without risk of pregnancy, and before AIDS, people were now able to have multiple sexual partners with no physical consequences.

But the emotional consequences are legion. The more I date- meaning, the more I entertain the possibility of bringing strangers into my sex life- the more I encounter rude, selfish, stupid, unevolved behavior. I wonder why this is, exactly; why do I encounter such poor conduct everywhere I go? I have always tried my best to live an examined life; I educate myself about everything I possibly can, always striving to become more self-aware, more compassionate. I remember 20 years ago, as a teen, I prayed that all beings may achieve profound, brilliant glory- enlightenment- and I still pray the same today. I weep at the difficulty and suffering we all struggle with, trying to achieve this.

The more I date, the more I experience the profound loneliness and alienation that is the modern condition. This used to be constantly addressed in art, literature, and philosophy. Now, however, modern technology so distracts and numbs us, that most people are reduced to their basest selves, most of their consciousness used up in seeking out pleasure and avoiding pain, with no awareness of, or interest in either their own inner lives, or the lives of others.

In fact, I wonder if the majority of people have no rich inner life at all anymore, due to the sheer volume of available distractions with which their precious free time may be filled. Who needs to be contemplative or thoughtful when there is always some device to look at or play with, something or someone vying for your attention?

Porn is just such a distraction, and because porn is so common, the lines between the porn world and reality are becoming blurred, to the detriment of all. The myth of the sexually available woman is what porn is predicated on; this woman will fuck you, your fantasy tells you as you watch, and she’ll be yours whenever you want her, with no consequences and no responsibility,. You don’t even have to be introduced! Sounds eerily similar to rape to me.

One 24 year old said to me, “Fucking and loving are not even related. They’re two completely different things.” There’s a common conception that sex is great, everyone needs sexual release, and that sex is completely separate from the other parts of one’s life- career, friends, family. It seems that many young adults are living in this bizarre, isolated way, with no deep sexual connections, only “hookups.” The one night stand seems to have become completely normal; it’s standard now to have sex with someone, and then never talk to them again. The same young man said, “Once I have sex with a girl, I totally lose interest; I don’t need to talk with her again. It was just about the pursuit and the hookup.” If people who think and act like this have a heart and a conscience (debatable), those organs of higher feeling are being seriously eroded, while their other organs are getting off.

I often feel like an alien in my own country; in MY culture, women are equal to men in their ability to think and act, and in their civil rights. In MY country, sexuality is integral to a person’s health and well-being, but it is also powerful and dangerous if abused, and needs to be soberly respected. My sex life is wholly mine, and private, just as the rest of the functions that go on inside my body are. That so many are so open and explicit about their own sex lives, without regard to their own privacy, belies a very high level of anxiety and loneliness. It’s as if our culture is made up of sad orphaned children, constantly seeking attention, lest they have to feel the great emptiness and lack of love inside them. I think the same can be said about the amount of vitriolic cruelty one sees in peoples’ writing online. How empty and insecure they must be, to be so full of hate. And of course, it seems that most online interactions are without consequence, as you never have to come face to face with anyone you talk to or about.

In the country I seem to visit every time I meet a new man, women are judged solely on their looks, age, and fuckability. I was told by one lover, “Honestly, I see myself with someone 10 or even 20 years younger than me.” (I was a mere 2 years younger than him- didn’t make the cut!)

My intention has never been to turn into the Ice Queen, waiting for someone to come melt my heart, but after the many disgusting experiences I’ve had dating, how can I not?

I guess this is what it means to “put yourself out there,” to risk rejection and humiliation while seeking to truly connect with another. Having come out of 15 years of long-term, intimate partnerships into the dating pool- out of the frying pan, into the fire- I can’t really complain of getting burned. But I can hold a mirror up to the raw wounds, the charred skin, the shallow, self-centered, egotistical bores. As Henry Miller reportedly said about Tropic of Cancer, “This is a blood-stained document.”