Red Eyes, Tangled Thoughts.
I am my worst enemy, and I know it.
Sometimes I find staring at a blank page on my laptop.
Red eyes. No energy left in the tank. A head full of tangled thoughts that I can’t make sense of. It’s in these moments that I ask myself a dangerous question for creativity.
Why am I doing this? It doesn’t make any sense.
And I keep staring at the empty page. Ready to give up. Disappointed in myself. Feeling like I am good for nothing and I was too ambitious to even think about writing something.
I found that the medicine to this obstacle is stubbornness.
It’s not easy to get back into a strict writing routine.
Creativity sometimes just doesn’t seem to have blessed me with one of her visits and the product I shape is far from my excellence standards. Everything feels foggy in my head, and this shows on the screen.
Scrambled ideas. Weak thesis that gets even weaker development. Poor choice of dictionary and no rhythm. My drafts look a mess, and I start wondering if I am a talented enough writer to do this. If I should even bother.
When I get to this stage, I have two options. Give up or keep going.
Let’s be honest. Giving up is not really an option. It’s not something I would ever rationally settle to. In the past I lost track of my habits, I have been lazy, I have made wrong decisions, but I never consciously decided to give up on myself.
At that point, there’s only one thing to do. Keep going. Put my head down, take a deep breath and battle my blocks and doubts.
Writing in these conditions is sometimes a drag. You are fighting against your instincts, and you can feel the brain struggling to get back in line with your will, but it’s worth it.
Slowly the concepts that were wrapped in a misty confusion in your mind start taking shape. They make some kind of sense, and you have to hold on them for dear life. They are your lifeline out of the inspiration swamp you are drowning in.
You get that idea and work on it. Probably is not the best idea you’ve ever had, but it’s progress. It means that you can get back at writing. You follow the thread you just discovered, see if there are any interesting angles you can explore. You just give it a shot and let the inspiration guide you.
The majority of times starting from that first, uninteresting idea, you find yourself with an interesting concept to work with. Something you didn’t think you had in you.
That’s how I battle days where the ideas don’t flow, and the words don’t magically pop out of my fingertips.
The truth is, I am not a writer. I write because I like it. Because finishing a piece gives me a rush of happiness that I struggle to find anywhere else.
Those moment battling with word and sentences are pure bliss, but the idea of not being good enough is always there in the back of my mind.
The insecurities are part of my creative process. They torment me. They fire me up. They make me grow.
I just fight them with a good dose of practice and will.
