Thinking About You

I’ve been thinking about you lately — about your face, your smile, your warmth, your smell, your everything. And it’s so crazy because I have only been thinking about all the sweet things; none of the weird stuff, the bad stuff, the long conversations or fights. Just the good stuff, the really good stuff.

The other day, I thought about how annoyingly curious you were. How you asked follow up questions after the other, how you never gave up until you fully understood a concept or idea. I found it stressful sometimes because I am the direct opposite of you in this, but I also found it cute — your attention to detail, your desire to know, to know everything that concerned me. So the other day, as an idea popped in my head and you weren’t there to listen to me or ask me multiple questions, I missed you. I missed you so much.

Last week, I found a song I got to love, on Twitter and I thought about how, if you were still here, I would have shared it with you and awaited your reaction to it. Finding new music was fun when I had you to share it with, I hope you know this. So last week, I listened to that song and thought about you. I wonder if you’ve been thinking about me when you come across new music. I wonder if you think to yourself and wonder what my reaction to it would be.

A few days ago, I saw something very funny on Twitter that made me laugh so hard. When I was done laughing, I thought to myself that you would have laughed at it too and probably talked about more details that would have made the tweet even funnier. But you weren’t there a few days ago, so it didn’t really matter, I guess. I wonder if you see funny stuff on Twitter and think about me too, or my reaction. And I wonder if you wish I am the first name you see when you click share.

Yesterday, I saw someone who wore the type of outfit you’d wear. I thought for a second about how much of your style it was. And in that moment, I wondered how it would feel if you were the actual person in that outfit. If we went on a date, with you in that outfit, if I took the outfit off you when we got home. I thought about you in it and you out of it, and it became so much clearer how attached I still am to you. The attachment is probably so deep that my brain imagines scenarios based on little reminders of you.

Today, I’m thinking about letting you know that you’ve been on my mind. I feel an urge to make an entrance into your life and tell you how much I’ve missed you and how all I’ve been able to think about are the beautiful moments we spent together. I want to tell you how almost everything I do is accompanied by a moment shared with you or one I’d have loved to share with you, but I’ve also been trying to remind myself that the love we had feels so good right now because there is distance and time between us. I’ve been trying to see that the love we shared doesn’t seem so draining like it did back then because I’m at a stage where my mind is holding on to only the sweetest memories of you, of us; because it needs to hold on to something. I’ve been trying to help myself see that if I text you and let you know how I feel — how I miss you and how much I’ve been thinking about you — and we ever decide to love again, I may eventually be reminded of why our love was lost in the first place. I am also scared that if I decide to text you and let you know how I feel, I may discover that you’ve moved on from me, from us. I may be met with a person I didn’t leave behind, I may discover that you don’t miss me as much as I do, that I have never been, say the least, a passing thought in your memory.

I don’t want to stop thinking about you though. I want to be reminded of all the beautiful things about you and smile. I want to continue to feel a flutter in my tummy that reminds me that I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. I want to see things and be reminded of you, I want to hear things and see your face in my head, I want to feel things and be reminded of your touch, of your words, of your charm, of your everything.

I want to continuously bask in the knowledge that I have experienced you, that we were an item that made the stars jealous whenever we sat beneath them, that our love was a perfect model for great love stories told to generations yet unborn. I want to continue to think about you and wonder if you think about me too. I hope you do.