Struggling to breathe
I’m just recovering from a bad bout of viral that left me with acute bronchitis.
And it has only made me grateful. Let me explain:
I used to take for granted the simple ability to be able to breathe unassisted, day in and day out. Bronchitis made this so painful and annoying, it gave me pause to think of all those who struggle to breathe on an hourly basis. Those who need to always carry inhalers, or worse, personal oxygen tanks, or need humidifiers by their bedside at night or on their work desk by day. I thought of all the damage I have done to my lungs, willingly, from being a smoker since I was 16, despite always having suffered from high respiratory sensitivity. Like how much more could I have taken my health for granted?
A lot more, apparently.
The body ache brought on by the viral’s prolonged high fever made me wonder about those who cannot move a muscle without tearing up from the pain. Who struggle to simply get in and out of bed. who need to be assisted to visit the toilet or be bathed. Such simple tasks that would erode my ego if I had to depend on someone to accomplish them, and yet there are so many who do so with no complaint every single day of their lives. And so many amazing humans who help, with even fewer complaints!
While the loss of appetite was not a big deal, it felt like a relief actually from my normally gluttonous approach to life, it was distressing to be starving but not hungry, then have everything I put in my mouth taste like bile, and almost always throw it up in a matter of minutes if I did manage to swallow it down. This was just exhausting and I thought about how much I took for granted the ability to pick and choose almost any food (except for spicy) I wanted with no fear of allergies or digestive trauma waiting for me. I wondered how long I’d be able to go without the sheer joy of experiencing the world through my tastebuds, through textures and flavours, through the nuances of spices and herbs, the delicate interplay between condiments and more mundane ingredients…I felt ashamed that I never spare a thought for those for whom these things are a treat and not an every day reality.
And finally, although I more or less got better on my own with no one to fuss over me or even give a shit about whether I had medicine, water, a blanket, etc ., I thought about all those folks who not only have no one at these moments of total and utter vulnerability, but for whom these may not be moments but the entirety of their existence. While I moaned and groaned about how long it was taking me to get strong again and to be able to eat, pee, bathe and dress myself without feeling like I was going to pass out on the floor, it scared the crap out of me to think there will eventually be a day when I’ll know I won’t be getting better but only be waiting for merciful release, like so many senior citizens and people with terminal illness are doing so right now. How precious is this life and yet how easy to forget that it is indeed so.
How precious is this life and yet how easy to forget that it is indeed so.
Yes, I lost a lot of time, plenty of work got delayed, I forfeited some projects because I was not available to immediately jump at them, and I pissed off some folks who thought I was avoiding them and lying about being sick.
And yet, I am glad that this happened because it taught me some much needed lessons — in humility, in gratitude, in vulnerability, in knowing I can manage on my own even if I am absolutely alone, that I am tougher than I know, that I am not the toughest though, and that I am so so so fucking lucky to have a body and mind and soul that work together to heal me despite the fact that I have abused/neglected/taken all three of them for granted, for most of my life. It’s time for a change.
