Numb

Simone
Simone
Jul 21, 2017 · 3 min read
About 1.3 million people ‘liked’ this photo. It’s a screenshot from the header of Linkin Park’s facebook page. Photo taken by Ben Houdijk

That’s how I felt when I heard about the news. Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington has died by suicide at the age of 41. They weren’t my favorite band in the world, but being super popular in the early 2000s, I played their music regularly in my teens. After that I sort of forgot about them. But now I’m numb, and I feel weird. How do you cope with it?

A few months ago, I saw billboards on the side of the road promoting their new album, and a concert in Amsterdam. Every time I passed the signs one of their songs would pop up in my head. Most of the time that was ‘Closer’, a song I cherished because it allowed me to sing along angrily to combat all of life’s unfair elements at the age of 12 or 14. Reading through my Twitter feed, I see that many of ‘us’ (aged somewhere between 28 and 35 years old) have and had similar feelings. Again, to me this shows how big they were, even though they weren’t a band that you ‘admitted’ you listened to, I think we can sing their biggest hits along flawlessly.

Last year there seemed to be a peak in inspiring musicians being taken away from us (or leaving us). None of them really affected me. Yes, I found it sad to see Bowie go, or Prince. But most of all I felt sad for the fans — those who invested time, money, and love in them. Chris Cornell affected me slightly. I hadn’t seen it coming. But Chester. This is the first where I feel a piece of my youth slip away. Where I feel confronted with mortality. Mostly I feel weird: I didn’t really listen to Linkin Park’s music anymore, didn’t know about the albums they released between 2005 and 2017, didn’t know they were still touring… but still my stomach turned when I heard the news. And, scrolling through Facebook and Twitter I found out I wasn’t the only affected.

Having just finished my PhD on the role of pop music from the past in one’s current life, I should be able to explain these feelings. If anyone asked I’d tell them: Yes, they’re part of your youth, and now that’s gone; Yes, they’ve reminded you of a time in your life that was still carefree in comparison to current everyday life. But to be honest, I’m still looking for answers.

And it might be too early, it might be too soon. But I really want to learn — personally, but also from my role as a fan researcher — how fans or these former (teen) listeners of Linkin Park cope with this: Will you play a song today? Have you already done so? Have you expressed yourself on social media? (Re)Tweeted a photo? Shared your feelings? Why so?

For me, this is a piece of coping with what happened. Trying to make sense of the feelings I have. How do you do that? Will you please share your response below?

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Simone
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