It’s alright to be harsh on yourself

I just did something that is out of the ordinary for me — moving my laptop onto my bookshelf, so that I will have to work standing up.

Sometimes I do think about how harsh I actually should be on myself — as an university student who’s in her final year, who studies in her room when she’s not in the library — it’s almost as if I am simulating a workplace, or work station in my room, trying to perfect this scene of myself being productive. But at the same time, it is my room, and it is where I should be able to rest and be relaxed.

I think about it a lot — how hard should I push myself in life when it comes to small details like, what I wear, how I eat, time to give to others, instead of on yourself. For someone who often takes things to quite the extreme of the spectrum (I go cold turkey on every decision I make) having experienced restrictive diet and eating habits, full on studying in the university library 24/7, it almost feels like I don’t see everything working unless it’s COMPLETELY there. But after it all hit back with depression and anxiety, my self therapy was to convince myself into letting myself loose and purely enjoying what I enjoy. Whether it was spending time doing nothing (as a compensation to working long hours), or to eat whatever I want (as a compensation to not eating), or to spend hours and hours talking to friends who need care (as a compensation to not telling others my problems) And now whenever I want to be committed to a new routine, my pass hits back by reminding me the terrible mental state I was in when I restricted everything.

But it is wrong — it wasn’t the restriction that caused my depression — it was the purpose behind the restriction, the intention that determines it all.

Loving yourself and restricting yourself from whatever you like to do, are in no way mutually exclusive.

Taking balance is hard — especially for someone who has very high standards on themselves — and the first step is to realise that, there is nothing wrong in being harsh on yourself. Self-regulation needs determination and a certain level of deprivation, of instant gratification you would normally reach for — comfort in eating, sleeping, or just sitting down.

Self-regulation is to have a higher level of awareness and executive control on your needs.

ps. standing up working is great.