The Dark Side of Goals
“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In a small village, there lived a young boy with ambitious dreams. He woke up each day and dreamed about becoming the best craftsman ever. Each day he’d walk around the village, full of energy, sharing his dream with local townspeople. His energy and zest for life brought a smile to the faces of the locals. As the years went on, this young boy grew older. He still held his dream close.
One day, an elder from a neighbouring village passed through and this boy told him of his dream, “Elder, you don’t know me, but I’m going to be the best craftsman that ever-lived”, gloated the boy.
The elder smiled, “Is that so? Show me some of what you have crafted?”
The boy shied away and in a lower tone said, “I don’t have anything to show, I haven’t started yet. But soon I will, and it will be great.”
The elder looked the boy in the eyes, and said, “You’re living with your dream as though it’ll magically come to life. It’s distracted you from making any progress. One can’t be great if they are obsessed with the goal and not the work, for they will miss what is right in from of them. And what is in front of you, son, is the first step. Stop dreaming. Start moving”.
The moral isn’t to provide another common-sense reminder about a long journey and its first step. Instead, it is to highlight the paradox that lies between the cracks of having lofty goals but being blinded by them. Derek Sivers, an American author, did a TedTalk in 2017 titled, Keep Your Goals To Yourself. In his research, dating back to the 1920s, he showed why people who talk about their ambitions may be less likely to achieve them. It’s what psychologists have called ‘Social Reality’. When we tell people our desires, we receive the external validation we intentionally or unintentionally sought. In turn, our brains get the same kick out of this as though we had achieved the goal. Then what? We stop. We revile in the glory of sharing the dream, talking about what we want to do, but not doing the actual work.
In her book, Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives, Gretchen Rubin offers four distinct personality types that just about everybody falls into:
- Upholders: Is accountable to both outer and inner expectations
- Questioners: Questions all expectations and only will pursue an expectation if they believe it’s justified
- Obligers: Is accountable to external expectations but struggles to hold inner expectations (puts others before themselves)
- Rebels: Resists both inner and outer expectations (does what they want on their own terms).
Whilst not scientifically proven, this diagram provides a rough measure of the different types of personalities. We all know people who struggle to hold themselves accountable to their own routine. Or those who endlessly put others before their own needs. What this tells us is we must first obtain enough self-awareness to acknowledge if internal or external validation is required to hold us accountable. After which, we can decide if we need to create a private goal — to hold ourselves accountable or public goal — to have someone else hold us accountable.
Seneca writes, “If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable”.
This is true. We need a sense of direction. I think, as a society, we are too focused on goals and achievements in a world that’s so obsessed with productivity, status and wealth. Which, in turn, prevents us from putting our ego aside, calming our perfectionist desires, shelving our daydreaming and actually doing the work. By creating these ‘big hairy goals’, we put up a massive daunting obstacle that feels almost impossible to overcome. We don’t know where to start. We don’t know what step two, three or 16 will be. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. As humans, we are inherently bad in dealing with uncertainty. We lack what British poet, John Keats, elegantly titled,
“Negative Capability — the willingness to embrace uncertainty, live with mystery and make peace with ambiguity”.
We reach a sticking point in our progress and we don’t know what to do next. How easy is it then to give up and change course? How much of a relief it is to rid ourselves of the feeling of the unknown? To be cuddled by the comfort of what we’ve always known. We all know people, who, like children, like to role play. Children pretend they are a wrestler, sometimes a soldier, a musician, or superhero. But as adults, they do this with professions. We play singer one minute, business analyst, designer, painter or entrepreneur the next. They mimic whatever is novel and flashy at the moment. But their enthusiasm wanes when their projects become too familiar or demanding.
“Tentative efforts”, Epictetus reminds us, “leads to tentative outcomes”.
Before we can start the path to mastery, we must first pick a path to master. We need to stand steadfast against a society which embodies entitlement, impatience and an inability to delay gratification. Excellence takes time to mature. We can’t expect to be experts just because we want to be. We need discipline, perseverance and grit to stay the course to see the realm of mastery on the horizon. To enter it, even more time, and discipline. “Life is like a play”, Seneca writes, “it’s not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.” The quality of work we do on this journey is what makes the difference. It’s what sets apart someone who is playing master to someone who is pursuing mastery.
And so, we must ask ourselves:
Is our goal a hindrance or motivation?
Are we talking or doing?
Are we playing or pursuing?
